is he a creep?

source

Where do you draw the line between nice guy with a problem and a creep?

Because my husband is not a creep. Granted, my husband is one of the milder cases of pornography addiction out there (in my opinion). But that doesn't mean people won't judge him for having an addiction to pornography. What a terribly humiliating thing to have to admit to yourself and others.

Let's look at society as a whole. I would say that the vast majority of men out there use pornography. And no one thinks twice about it. Imagine your stereotypical college male--straight out of the movies. Good looking, partier, the cool guy in the movies. He looks at porn. So do his friends. They joke about it when they hang out. Duh. That's totally normal. Isn't that what all single males that age do?

Now let's move to the more conservative (and often religious) circles who have been taught to stay away from pornography. Pornography = bad. So when you find out that the parallel good-looking, life-of-the-party young male (or even "perfect" husband) in your more conservative circle has an addiction to pornography, the mind starts to race. What else does he do? What else does he lie about? Has he hooked up with other girls? Is he addicted to sex? Oh my goodness, is he looking at child porn?? Has he molested anyone???

Do you see what we do? We demonize something that seems totally normal in the rest of society. I'm not saying that I think pornography is a good thing or even acceptable. I think it has implications that many people don't grasp. That addiction to it is easier (and more common) than people think. That it is an addictive substance that shouldn't be taken lightly.

But my point here is that we have to be careful in how we judge people who have gotten sucked into pornography. I wish I could tell the world to be careful how they judge my husband. Yes, it's true that anyone in porn addiction could end up going down that slippery slope into much worse territory, but that doesn't necessarily mean they will.

Why the double standard?

Why do we shrug our shoulders at the college frat boy yet pity and shame the nice LDS boy?

Is it because we hold him to a higher standard? We expect more of him?

Is the shame and secrecy only adding to the addiction?

I don't believe that the shame and secrecy are the only source of the addiction. To say that these men are addicted because their upbringing has told them "no, no, no" is a cop-out and just uses religion and conservative views as a scapegoat. (And provides no explanation for non-religious men who are addicted to pornography.) I think the college frat boy is just as likely to be addicted but less likely to recognize the addiction.

So is the porn addict a creep? He could be, depending on how deep into sex addiction he is.

But chances are he is not. Chances are he is the college frat boy who has actually recognized that he has a problem and is (hopefully) working to fix it.

Should you be on my side bar?

I'm so behind. So so so far behind. My side bar is so terribly outdated. Should you be on it? If you are not on my side bar but are in this blogging community, please let me know and I will add you.

I think about you often

Dali

I never intended to have a 3-month break from blogging. I don't actually like being "that" kind of blogger. Just so you all know--I think about you often.

I consider you my friends. My sisters. My very strong yet oh-so-fragile sisters. You share something so intensely personal with me.

A while back I was able to get together with some of my fellow bloggers. It was the most amazing experience. I don't know what their kids' names are. I don't know any of their birth stories. I don't know how they met their husbands. I'm not even sure of some of their last names. Take all that (often ridiculous and repetitive) small talk that goes on at every play date or park day or party and throw it out the window. There's no need for small talk when you can jump straight to conversation that normally hides in the deep corners of your soul.

That's how I feel with all of you here.

That's why I miss you.

Let me tell you where I have been. I may have mentioned my new job (which I LOVE). It keeps me very, very busy. On top of that, my husband and I are team-teaching early-morning seminary this year. Seminary in our religion is a weekday scripture study class for high-school age students. We teach every weekday at 6am. Yes--6am. And we spend every evening preparing for said 6am class. As if that wasn't enough, I also tutor a high-school student. And with two small kids at home, there really isn't much time to sit down and read blog posts let alone comment on them and/or write my own posts.

I have been reluctant to talk about this before because I feel it is one more clue in the mystery of who I am. That someone will come here and put the pieces together. My kids' ages. My pseudonym. That I teach seminary. That I tutor. My husband's endless job search.

Do you know what? WHO CARES?

If someone knows me well enough to put two and two together, then I'm probably okay with them knowing my story. The only reason I don't share who I am publicly is for my husband.  So if he ever decides to tell people about his struggles, I will let him. Until then, if you figure out who I am and you know me, feel free to email me.

And I will leave it at that tonight. To say that I think about you often is an understatement. Sending my love.

Does he like me?

I've touched on this before, but this seems to be the period in my life when I question how much my husband is into me (totally separate from the pornography issue, by the way). Blame it on the 7-year-itch. Or the 8-year-hate, as I like to call it. Interestingly, the 7-year-itch is becoming a thing of the past. 4 years is the new 7. Did you know that?

You see, I keep doubting that my husband really likes me. I think he's doing his best to show me that he does, but I keep second guessing it.

Note: Since I'm all about doing a self-reflection when discussing someone else's behavior, I'm not sure I am even doing anything obvious to show him that I really truly like him, so I'm not positive what I'm expecting in return. We have different love languages, so I'll bet I'm not communicating it in a way he understands either.

Mr. Mac has been hanging out with his coworkers recently, which is fine with me. I really like the idea of him going out and spending time with people. Being social. Love it. But this last time some of them invited their significant others. But Mr. Mac certainly didn't extend the invitation to me. Bringing me along to hang out probably wasn't even in his thought process. Or maybe it was.

Being the ever-so-logical person I am, let me step out of the situation and examine it from the outside. It is quite possible that inviting me crossed his mind but he figured he'd have more fun without me there. (No--this is not me feeling all sorry for myself. This is me looking at the situation impartially.) There is definitely a big chance he is feeling pressure to get a good job, to get his actions in check, to fix his dishonesty problems, to be a better dad, to spend his time more wisely, etc, etc. All those things are intricately woven into his relationship with me. To leave all those things behind and really relax, he may feel the need to leave me back home as well.

Okay. Stepping back in emotionally. . . That hurts. Not him actually leaving me home. It's the idea behind it that hurts. That I am so intertwined with the pressures in his life that spending time without me sounds more relaxing than bringing me along.

I would love to be the one who brings him calm and peace. The one who brings fun into his life.

Unfortunately, I don't think that's the case right now.

You see, I think I just want to know that he still likes me more than anything else in the world. I don't do mushy love letters and stuff. That's not my language of love. But I think these are my language of love: "You're fun." "I like spending time with you." "I like you." "I had fun with you today." "You make me smile." "I just love being near you." "Let's hang out just me and you."

The problem is that I'm not sure those phrases would be entirely true coming from him right now.

Maybe 60% true. Maybe 70? But not 100.

I wish I were wrong, but I think this is actually a pretty normal thing for people to go through.

Your thoughts? Have you felt this way? Do you think you are/were bring self-destructive and making it worse by mulling over it? Have you discussed it with your partner?

Is he disrespecting you?

Caution: I think this discussion might be difficult for some people who are feeling very fragile right now. I'd love to hear from you, but please know that it might evoke some strong feelings.

Source

This past weekend I went on a long run with one of my favorite people. She is seriously the BEST conversationalist. If you ever need to run a ton of miles, take her along. In fact, maybe I'll rent her out. Any takers?

Among other topics, we talked about this blog community. We talked about it for probably 4 or 5 miles (when you're running, you track everything in miles). She brought up the topic of respect, or, more specifically, disrespect. The conversation was riveting, even after 12 miles of running.

So here is my question to you: Do you believe that your husband is disrespecting you through his actions?

Have you detached yourself so far from his problem that you don't believe it has anything to do with  you, therefore whether he is disrespecting you isn't even a factor in the equation?

Do you believe his actions disrespect you but that it is more of a side effect and not an intention?

Does the fact that he suffers from an addiction remove the discussion of disrespect?

Or do you believe that he is absolutely disrespecting you?

If so, how do you reconcile standing by someone's side as they blatantly disrespect you?

We talked a lot about trusting your gut when it comes to standing by someone with addiction. I've heard many women who have left their partners say that when it was time to leave, they KNEW it was time to leave. The question of when to stop fighting and throw in the towel has come up many times, and the response from those who know is that you trust your gut. If your gut says to stay, then you stay. If your gut says to leave, then it is time.

So do you think husbands who look at pornography/lie to their wives/have affairs/indulge in prostitution are disrespecting their wives? And, if so, is it ridiculous for women to stay and "work on their marriage" while being so disrespected? Are they just letting someone walk all over them?

I know this will evoke many "well, it depends on the situation" responses, and I completely agree, but I'm interested in hearing your thoughts.

lifting the burden

Nugget of wisdom from a wonderful sister at my support group tonight:

It feels good to not carry someone else's life on our shoulders.

I just read Scabs' post about a similar thought. There is wisdom and freedom and healing in letting go. It's not our burden to carry. And do you know what? Good things come from letting them be in charge of their own addiction. No, they may not jump up and fix themselves, but I can promise you that you will be well on your way to fixing yourself. And trust me--that feels good. Really good.

How exactly do we stop carrying their addiction? Just stop. Stop. Stop tracking their every move. Stop trying to fix them. Stop trying to manage their recovery efforts. Stop. Live your life the way you want to live. Be the person you want to be. Concentrate on you. They may not be the person you want them to be. But you can be sure that you are the person you want to be. Their life isn't yours to carry. And it feels so good to stop.

Nuggets of Wisdom

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I don't necessarily consider myself wise on this topic, but I feel I have acquired a few nuggets of wisdom along the way. These have been bouncing around in my head over the past few days as a result of conversations with Mr. Mac and other friends.

I've found that the farther I travel down this road, the less it becomes about me and the more it becomes about making sure other women know these things. Not just hear them, but know them, believe them, live them. Sometimes I feel like if I just close my eyes and concentrate hard enough...push all my thoughts and vibes in your directions...then maybe you will know the way I know. But that's not how it works. We have to figure these things out on our own. All I can do is tell you what I know for me.

1. He will change when he is ready to change. We want that to be now. Unfortunately, that's not always the case. Trust me: His recovery efforts that come from you wanting them won't even compare to his recovery efforts that come from him wanting them. I've seen both. It's different when he wants to change for himself and not just to appease his unhappy wife.

2. Trust your gut. Your gut often knows a lot more than you do. In my life, my "gut" is promptings from my constant companion, the Holy Ghost. You can call it your guardian angel. You can call it your conscience. You can call it your gut. Whatever you call it, trust it.

3. You do what is right for your relationship. Set your own boundaries.* Set your own consequences.* I have so much respect and love for my fellow bloggers on this topic, but I don't always agree with their approach to the topic. You see, I don't have to. And they don't have to agree with me. We are all doing what is right for our own relationships. You* decide what is right for yours.

4. *Did you notice all the asterisks in #3? I'm opinionated about this. If you don't want your husband to look at porn, go ahead and set a boundary that you don't want him looking at it. Period. Then ask him his opinion on that boundary. Does he agree? If so, ask him to set a consequence for when he does. You can have your say on whether the consequence he chooses meets your expectations, but let this be something he takes charge of. He needs to be on board. If he's on board with the boundary, let him take responsibility for the consequences. If he's not on board with the boundary, you set the consequences, but chances are the behavior isn't going to stop if he's not even on board that it's a problem.

5. It sucks to accept that you may not be able to trust your spouse. It sucks. But it's a reality for many of us. I trust myself. I trust that I will be okay no matter what. I trust my Father in Heaven. But I'll whine and complain that I want to be able to trust my husband. I should be able to trust my husband. Unfortunately, that's not my reality right now. Maybe in the future, but for now I have to face the facts. Sometimes life just isn't how we wanted it to be. That's okay. In fact, I think that's the case for the vast majority of people on this earth. We'll be okay.

6. Nothing you fix about your looks could fix his problem. You're right: your body is not like a model's, you're cute but not drop-dead gorgeous, you've likely had kids and your lady parts are all stretched out, and you aren't all that kinky in the bedroom. Am I right? Of course I am. You're like me. You're normal. If you left your husband today and he started dating a gorgeous model who filled his every sexual fantasy, the porn problem would not go away. If he thinks you are the root of the problem or that he wouldn't look at porn if he were with someone else, he is in for a rude awakening. It's not you. The problem is between him and porn. It affects you, but it's not because of you. No, you aren't perfect. But you aren't the reason he looks at porn. Stop letting those thoughts into your head. They are a waste of your time and energy. (Besides, I have met some of the most stunningly beautiful women whose husbands have porn and sex addictions. They are living proof that the woman is not the problem.)

7. Find your self worth and hang onto it for dear life. Where do you find self worth? Inside yourself.