carry on, girls and boys

Been thinking of you all. Here's our theme song for tonight. Carry on.

 
(Also check out the non-acoustic version, which I like better, but like the video itself less.)

Well I woke up to the sound of silence
And cries were cutting like knives in a fist fight
And I found you with a bottle of wine
Your head in the curtains
And heart like the Fourth of July

You swore and said,
"We are not,
We are not shining stars."
This I know,
I never said we are

Though I've never been through hell like that
I've closed enough windows to know you can never look back

If you're lost and alone
Or you're sinking like a stone.
Carry on.
May your past be the sound
Of your feet upon the ground.
Carry on.

Carry on, carry on

So I met up with some friends at the edge of the night
At a bar off 75.
And we talked and talked about how our parents will die,
All our neighbours and wives.

But I like to think I can cheat it all
To make up for the times I've been cheated on.
And it's nice to know when I was left for dead
I was found and now I don't roam these streets,
I am not the ghost you are to me.

If you're lost and alone
Or you're sinking like a stone.
Carry on.
May your past be the sound
Of your feet upon the ground.
Carry on.

Whoa!
My head is on fire but my legs are fine.
After all they are mine.
Lay your clothes down on the floor,
Close the door, hold the phone,
Show me how no one’s ever gonna stop us tonight.

'Cause here we are
We are shining stars
We are invincible
We are who we are
On our darkest day
When we’re miles away
Sun will come
We will find our way home

If you're lost and alone
Or you're sinking like a stone.
Carry on.
May your past be the sound
Of your feet upon the ground.
Carry on.

I reserve the right to change my opinions whenever I want.

Dealing with and understanding addiction is a process. A process in which we are lost and know nothing. And then we think we know everything. Then our world flips upside down again. And people give us advice that we think sounds ridiculous. Then we end up giving people advice that we think would work for everyone, because, you know, it worked for us. And then something changes. And we realize we know nothing once again.

Interestingly, today, a year and a half later, I re-read my very first post and made an edit to the 4 things every woman should know. I deleted "And if you and your husband both depend on Him together, He will strengthen your relationship" from #4. (Sadly, we can lean on Christ all we want, but that doesn't mean our relationship will be okay in the end. But we will be okay.)



I think we can all agree that we have gone through different stages and different ideas of what will work for us. I see some women say things that don't make any sense to me and it makes me want to shake them and fill them with my "wisdom" (bahahaha!), and I'm sure my opinions sound ridiculous to them. They may change their minds eventually. And so might I.



And that's okay.

Because we are human. And we are learning. And no one really knows what to do about all this, because it depends on the situation. Are you bursting with confidence? Did you come into this situation already insecure? Is your husband truly an angel in every other aspect but this addiction? Or is he, in the words of a friend, a total douche bag and asshole? Because, you know what? Each of us has to do what's right for each of our situations.

But we're here to support each other. And to push each other. To consider what others have tried. To consider advice that sounds crazy. To recognize the crazy in each of us.

So I reserve the right to change my opinions whenever I want. And you should, too.

Does this mean I'm out of the club?

What are your initial thoughts when I say that I'm doing really well, that my husband is doing really well, and that we're happier than we have been in a long time?

Do you think, "Oh! I'm so happy for Mac!"?

Or do you think, "Ugh. I don't want to hear about her doing well. My life is crap right now. Shut up."?

Be honest with yourself.

A year ago I would have probably leaned toward the former but with tiny voices in the background yelling the latter. If my situation had been really bad, I'd probably lean almost entirely toward the latter.

I know some of you are. Don't lie.

So the question is: does this mean I'm out of the club?

I was chatting with a friend the other day about this. If my husband is doing well and in recovery and I'm felling really mentally healthy, am I out of the club until lying creeps into our marriage again and I have another meltdown? Because it kind of seems that way.

Survivor's guilt. You know you've all felt it at some point or another.

But the truth is that I've been there. I've felt the pain. I've felt the hopelessness. I've longed for something better. I've felt sick over what he's looked at. I've had harsh thoughts towards women on the street with amazing bodies. I've been paranoid about internet use, browser history, his coworkers.

And it can all come back in an instant. That's what's scary.

Am I doing well because I'm a stronger person and am in a better place mentally? Or am I doing well because my husband is doing well and I'm unaware of how codependent I really am?

I'd say it's 60% stronger, 40% codependent. Maybe 70/30. Maybe. I'd love to say 90/10, but I can't know that until the next relapse. I'll be sure to keep you posted. ;)

Son of a *%!#$ that was hard!

I'm back. It has been a while, hasn't it?

The early-morning scripture study class my husband and I were teaching this year ended last week. My thoughts? Son of a *%!#$ that was hard! It was good. Yes, it was good. I enjoyed studying the New Testament. I enjoyed the students. I enjoyed having a joint calling with my husband. But do you know what? That's about it. My testimony in our church actually weakened throughout the year. Yikes. That's not supposed to happen, right? Interestingly, my testimony of Christ and his teachings were strengthened and I loved that. But my annoyances with the culture and modern-day guidelines of my church also grew. That's an entire blog post in and of itself, but I probably won't write it since this blog isn't about that.

My husband got a job! After 3 years of under employment, he's back on the right track. Let me say this again: Son of a *%!#$ that was hard! His confidence took a serious blow during that time. My confidence in him crumbled. Crumbled, people. It consumed us. It shook our marriage. And now it's in the past (at least for now). We don't even know what to do with ourselves and all our free time in the evenings. The change in both our countenances was practically tangible the day he started his new job.

I think we've made it past the 8 year hate. Take unemployment crap, mix it with trust issues and pornography problems, add it to the 7-year itch, and you've got the 8-year hate. Once again, son of a *%!#$. Yes. That was hard.

And last, but not least, I think we're doing really well on the porn front. I'm in a really good place. He's in a really good place. (Disclaimer: he has lied to me plenty about this in the past, so I take this with a grain of salt. But my heart says he's doing well.) My reaction to the idea of or mention of porn now? It's ridiculous. The industry, the intent, the portrayal of women. All of it. But I don't feel sick inside at the thought of my husband looking at it. My views have evolved. It's the bigger picture that annoys me now. The actual boobs and vaginas are the least of my concerns. Took a long time to get here and I'm sure I have much farther to travel. (Can I mention that *%!#$ and &*^% and $#*% again?)

We may be in the eye of the storm. Who knows. But I'll take it. I'll sit here for a while. It's 11:15pm on a week night and I'm blogging? Do you know why? Because I don't have to get up at 5:30am.

sick day and letting go

I think Scabs got me sick through Instagram and her blog. Darn those internet germs. So here I sit having a self-proclaimed sick day. Actually, I have to go to work this afternoon, but this morning I'm forcing letting my kids watch TV while I lay on the couch.

This last weekend the stars aligned and I made a small change in the way I'm approaching things in my life. I'd love for this to be a permanent change, but I know myself. I'll enjoy it while it lasts.

Sometimes things drop into our lives in rapid succession to teach us a lesson:

1. First, I read this Rowboats and Marbles post on sex being a choice (thanks to Jaded who linked to it in her post this past Saturday). You guys know I like to flip everything around and apply it to my own vices. It got me really thinking about my needs versus my wants and what I'm letting get in the way of my goals.

2. Second, at our church's Stake Conference (broadcast meeting from some of the leaders of our church), Elder Perkins spoke about removing distractions in our lives: those distractions that are keeping us from meeting our goals of both spiritual and temporal self-reliance.

3.Finally, a friend of mine wrote a post about meditating and clearing her mind of all the things that weren't important in her life and concentrating on herself and her family.

So what did I do? I took some time to sit on the floor and meditate. I cleared my head, focusing on the white light caused by the sun shining through the window onto my closed eyelids. Once my head was clear, I thought about what was important in my life. I thought about the distractions. I said to myself, "I will eliminate the distractions." Immediately, the thought came to me, "No, I will let them go." It was such a simple yet peaceful difference. Elimination sounded harsh and difficult. Letting go sounded calming and uplifting and easy.

Let them go.

What are my distractions? Trivial things that keep me from getting enough rest, from paying attention to my kids, from being physically healthy, from being mentally and spiritually sound, from spending real time with my husband. Facebook, email, Instagram, blogs, picking at my skin, eating sweets, and so on. (I mention sweets because I don't get a sugar high. For me it is a straight low. It impacts my entire day--energy, mood, etc. It induces depression in me, yet I keep eating it.) These might sound like silly distractions, but they really are keeping me from my goals. Some are time suckers, some drain my energy, and some keep me from being fully present in my family's life.

So I'm letting them go.

When I see sweets, the words "Let it go" immediately pop into my head. They aren't a need, no matter what my sugar-addicted brain is saying. "Let it go." And it works. I've found myself choosing to eat sweets periodically, but in small quantities and consciously. I start to pick at my skin and immediately think, "Let it go. It's not necessary." I go to bed at night and my instinct is to check Instagram. "Let it go. It won't matter if you miss a day's worth of pictures. You don't need them. You need sleep."

In the last few days I haven't been down or stressed or thinking about the pornography issues, but I'm hoping that by the time it comes I will be able to say "Let it go. You don't need the stress. The insanity in your head is not helping you in any way. Let it go."

Two types of addicts?

If you've ever been over to AskMormonGirl, you'll know that there is a commenter named NDM who often gives great advice. I don't know him, and I don't read AskMormonGirl consistently, but the times I have read his comments, I am always impressed by his way of thinking. I have pasted below his comment from a recent post about pornography addiction:

NDM

January 21, 2013 at 9:04 am

As a bishop, I learned a) that experience with pornography is now so common among young men as to be practically universal; and b) that pornography addicts fell into two surprisingly clear-cut categories: Those who struggled against the addiction, and those who struggled against everything that got between them and the addiction.
If you’re waiting for the Sunday school answer, I’m sorry to disappoint: The difference was not that one group succeeded and one failed. Indeed, I became (perhaps heretically) convinced that there are some men who will never be able to shake the addiction no matter how much prayer, fasting and self-control they exert.
No, the difference was that those who were honest about it – with me, with their wives, with themselves – stayed committed to their families and their faith.
Those who tried to justify it, in every case I dealt with, turned their homes into a living hell. They became to some degree emotional abusers. They blamed their wives for not satisfying them. They blamed the Church. They began placing demands on their wives to engage in acts that I am sure virtually any woman would find degrading. They wanted their wives to pose for photos and videos to be posted on the internet – one man even did this surreptitiously. In a true Jekyll-Hyde transformation, they progressively became emotionally, verbally and often physically abusive to their children – not just in occasional outbursts, but as a constant dynamic. Eventually, each of them committed adultery. And each took pains to ensure that the inevitable divorce was as bitter and nasty as possible.
Now let’s go back to that first group, the honest ones. None of them under my ecclesiastical care – and they were many – ever cheated on his wife. None ever neglected or abused his children. Interestingly, unlike the other group, their addiction seldom if ever “progressed” into harder or more deviant territory. For them, it was a constant cycle of struggle and remorse.
So what am I saying? Pornography is not necessarily the danger sign. The real danger signs are deceit, self-absorption, self-justification, and callousness.


Question to my readers--Have you seen this in your own life? Do you think there is hope for the self-absorbed and often emotionally abusive addicts? Have you seen them change?

Advice for the single ladies?

Okay friends. It's time to extend some advice to the single ladies. Knowing what you know now, what would you tell a single girl who is dating a guy and just found out that he has a problem with porn? Would you tell her to write him off? Give him a chance? If you suggest she give him a chance, what signs should she look for to determine if he's worth sticking it out?  If you were young and single again, how would you approach it with someone you were dating?

I am very curious to know what you all think. I'll let you have a say and then I'll chime in at the end.

Today's post on Ask Mormon Girl

I'm mostly posting this as a place holder for readers from today's Ask Mormon Girl post about pornography in case they venture this way.

I actually enjoy a good discussion on pornography and the church. I am of the opinion that there is so much more damaging about pornography than the actual viewing and masturbation. Psychological issues and addiction issues (both to the viewers and the women in the porn) as well as the terrible association this industry has with sex trafficking and worker's rights. Don't want to believe me? Just know that my line of work is with Human Rights Education at a very well known private university. I'm not just saying this because I'm "religious."

I know of a lot of people who like to use the cop-out "reverse psychology" answer to the pornography problem: men look at porn because they are told not to by the church and their entire culture.

News flash: The church and my religious culture tell me not to beat my kids. I don't have this secret desire to beat my kids. Too harsh of a comparison? Okay. I don't have any desire to smoke, or cheat on my husband, or steal from my favorite clothing store, or shamelessly flirt with the cute guy at... wait, do I know any cute guys? I need to get out more. ;)

Anyway, my point is that this topic is so so so complex. The underlying reasons for why certain men look at and/or are addicted to pornography are complicated and convoluted.

I plan to post soon about these topics as well as touch on the questions posed in today's Ask Mormon Girl's post, including the fact that I knowingly married a guy who has struggled with porn.

Unfortunately, I'm at work today and we are headed away for the weekend (with no internet access).

So if you are interested in these discussions, bookmark this page and come back next week.

(Link to the post on Ask Mormon Girl: http://askmormongirl.wordpress.com/2013/01/21/ask-mormon-girl-the-mormon-men-in-my-life-have-porn-issues-help/)

at a stand still

I have been in such a foggy mood all week. I just can't stay happy. My husband's contract job ends in two months and I don't make nearly enough money to support us. I am finding myself becoming upset and stressed and resentful, all of which I knew full well would manifest themselves when this time came. I even warned my husband. My mood has had to do with so much more than just the job search, but that is just amplifying all my other struggles.

To sort out my feelings, I started to pour out all my ugly thoughts into my journal (something I only do a few times a year). I was writing and this sentence came out:

I am the one who makes things happen in my life,

 and now I'm at a stand still because I can't do this one.

I can't do this one because it's not mine to do. I cannot find a job for my husband. I cannot be an adult for him. I do everything I need to do to make my life work, so knowing that I am not capable of making my life what I want it to be is so incredibly hard for me. 

So I sit here at a stand still and wait.

I think we are all doing this. In so many different situations.

Waiting.

Waiting.

a glimpse of truth, a glimmer of trust

He came to me. For the first time in almost a decade of marriage, my husband came to me to tell me that he had had a setback in his progress.

I am grateful.

I am relieved.

It's good to know.

Here's to truth. Here's to trust. Here's to progress.

Does the porn even matter to you anymore?

I feel like we wives go through certain stages as we process and deal with addiction, much the same way people go through the 5 stages of grief. Granted, many of our stages are cyclical and occur in different orders depending on our situations, but I think many of us go through similar stages.

Pain
Anger
Self pity
Loss of confidence
Codependence
Trust issues
Shame
Anger (yes, again)
Surge of confidence (I am woman, hear me roar. And don't piss me off or I will bite your head off.)
Detachment
etc.

(Man, I love the surge of confidence days.)

I have talked to many people recently who mention that it's not even the porn that's the issue anymore.

Wait, what? Isn't that why we're all here?

Yes and no. Like I've said before, there are usually deeper problems going on in our marriage and damaging behavior that accompanies the porn.

Lying
Blaming
Manipulation
Apathy

How many times have you heard, "I don't even care about the pornography so much anymore. If only he would just stop manipulating the situation to make me look like the bad guy." "It's not even the pornography that gets to me now. It's the lying that goes along with it."

Sure. The pornography is bad. There is so much ugliness in that industry. But the behavior that accompanies the addiction is perhaps more damaging.

Do you find yourself in this stage?

is he a creep?

source

Where do you draw the line between nice guy with a problem and a creep?

Because my husband is not a creep. Granted, my husband is one of the milder cases of pornography addiction out there (in my opinion). But that doesn't mean people won't judge him for having an addiction to pornography. What a terribly humiliating thing to have to admit to yourself and others.

Let's look at society as a whole. I would say that the vast majority of men out there use pornography. And no one thinks twice about it. Imagine your stereotypical college male--straight out of the movies. Good looking, partier, the cool guy in the movies. He looks at porn. So do his friends. They joke about it when they hang out. Duh. That's totally normal. Isn't that what all single males that age do?

Now let's move to the more conservative (and often religious) circles who have been taught to stay away from pornography. Pornography = bad. So when you find out that the parallel good-looking, life-of-the-party young male (or even "perfect" husband) in your more conservative circle has an addiction to pornography, the mind starts to race. What else does he do? What else does he lie about? Has he hooked up with other girls? Is he addicted to sex? Oh my goodness, is he looking at child porn?? Has he molested anyone???

Do you see what we do? We demonize something that seems totally normal in the rest of society. I'm not saying that I think pornography is a good thing or even acceptable. I think it has implications that many people don't grasp. That addiction to it is easier (and more common) than people think. That it is an addictive substance that shouldn't be taken lightly.

But my point here is that we have to be careful in how we judge people who have gotten sucked into pornography. I wish I could tell the world to be careful how they judge my husband. Yes, it's true that anyone in porn addiction could end up going down that slippery slope into much worse territory, but that doesn't necessarily mean they will.

Why the double standard?

Why do we shrug our shoulders at the college frat boy yet pity and shame the nice LDS boy?

Is it because we hold him to a higher standard? We expect more of him?

Is the shame and secrecy only adding to the addiction?

I don't believe that the shame and secrecy are the only source of the addiction. To say that these men are addicted because their upbringing has told them "no, no, no" is a cop-out and just uses religion and conservative views as a scapegoat. (And provides no explanation for non-religious men who are addicted to pornography.) I think the college frat boy is just as likely to be addicted but less likely to recognize the addiction.

So is the porn addict a creep? He could be, depending on how deep into sex addiction he is.

But chances are he is not. Chances are he is the college frat boy who has actually recognized that he has a problem and is (hopefully) working to fix it.

Should you be on my side bar?

I'm so behind. So so so far behind. My side bar is so terribly outdated. Should you be on it? If you are not on my side bar but are in this blogging community, please let me know and I will add you.

I think about you often

Dali

I never intended to have a 3-month break from blogging. I don't actually like being "that" kind of blogger. Just so you all know--I think about you often.

I consider you my friends. My sisters. My very strong yet oh-so-fragile sisters. You share something so intensely personal with me.

A while back I was able to get together with some of my fellow bloggers. It was the most amazing experience. I don't know what their kids' names are. I don't know any of their birth stories. I don't know how they met their husbands. I'm not even sure of some of their last names. Take all that (often ridiculous and repetitive) small talk that goes on at every play date or park day or party and throw it out the window. There's no need for small talk when you can jump straight to conversation that normally hides in the deep corners of your soul.

That's how I feel with all of you here.

That's why I miss you.

Let me tell you where I have been. I may have mentioned my new job (which I LOVE). It keeps me very, very busy. On top of that, my husband and I are team-teaching early-morning seminary this year. Seminary in our religion is a weekday scripture study class for high-school age students. We teach every weekday at 6am. Yes--6am. And we spend every evening preparing for said 6am class. As if that wasn't enough, I also tutor a high-school student. And with two small kids at home, there really isn't much time to sit down and read blog posts let alone comment on them and/or write my own posts.

I have been reluctant to talk about this before because I feel it is one more clue in the mystery of who I am. That someone will come here and put the pieces together. My kids' ages. My pseudonym. That I teach seminary. That I tutor. My husband's endless job search.

Do you know what? WHO CARES?

If someone knows me well enough to put two and two together, then I'm probably okay with them knowing my story. The only reason I don't share who I am publicly is for my husband.  So if he ever decides to tell people about his struggles, I will let him. Until then, if you figure out who I am and you know me, feel free to email me.

And I will leave it at that tonight. To say that I think about you often is an understatement. Sending my love.

Does he like me?

I've touched on this before, but this seems to be the period in my life when I question how much my husband is into me (totally separate from the pornography issue, by the way). Blame it on the 7-year-itch. Or the 8-year-hate, as I like to call it. Interestingly, the 7-year-itch is becoming a thing of the past. 4 years is the new 7. Did you know that?

You see, I keep doubting that my husband really likes me. I think he's doing his best to show me that he does, but I keep second guessing it.

Note: Since I'm all about doing a self-reflection when discussing someone else's behavior, I'm not sure I am even doing anything obvious to show him that I really truly like him, so I'm not positive what I'm expecting in return. We have different love languages, so I'll bet I'm not communicating it in a way he understands either.

Mr. Mac has been hanging out with his coworkers recently, which is fine with me. I really like the idea of him going out and spending time with people. Being social. Love it. But this last time some of them invited their significant others. But Mr. Mac certainly didn't extend the invitation to me. Bringing me along to hang out probably wasn't even in his thought process. Or maybe it was.

Being the ever-so-logical person I am, let me step out of the situation and examine it from the outside. It is quite possible that inviting me crossed his mind but he figured he'd have more fun without me there. (No--this is not me feeling all sorry for myself. This is me looking at the situation impartially.) There is definitely a big chance he is feeling pressure to get a good job, to get his actions in check, to fix his dishonesty problems, to be a better dad, to spend his time more wisely, etc, etc. All those things are intricately woven into his relationship with me. To leave all those things behind and really relax, he may feel the need to leave me back home as well.

Okay. Stepping back in emotionally. . . That hurts. Not him actually leaving me home. It's the idea behind it that hurts. That I am so intertwined with the pressures in his life that spending time without me sounds more relaxing than bringing me along.

I would love to be the one who brings him calm and peace. The one who brings fun into his life.

Unfortunately, I don't think that's the case right now.

You see, I think I just want to know that he still likes me more than anything else in the world. I don't do mushy love letters and stuff. That's not my language of love. But I think these are my language of love: "You're fun." "I like spending time with you." "I like you." "I had fun with you today." "You make me smile." "I just love being near you." "Let's hang out just me and you."

The problem is that I'm not sure those phrases would be entirely true coming from him right now.

Maybe 60% true. Maybe 70? But not 100.

I wish I were wrong, but I think this is actually a pretty normal thing for people to go through.

Your thoughts? Have you felt this way? Do you think you are/were bring self-destructive and making it worse by mulling over it? Have you discussed it with your partner?

Is he disrespecting you?

Caution: I think this discussion might be difficult for some people who are feeling very fragile right now. I'd love to hear from you, but please know that it might evoke some strong feelings.

Source

This past weekend I went on a long run with one of my favorite people. She is seriously the BEST conversationalist. If you ever need to run a ton of miles, take her along. In fact, maybe I'll rent her out. Any takers?

Among other topics, we talked about this blog community. We talked about it for probably 4 or 5 miles (when you're running, you track everything in miles). She brought up the topic of respect, or, more specifically, disrespect. The conversation was riveting, even after 12 miles of running.

So here is my question to you: Do you believe that your husband is disrespecting you through his actions?

Have you detached yourself so far from his problem that you don't believe it has anything to do with  you, therefore whether he is disrespecting you isn't even a factor in the equation?

Do you believe his actions disrespect you but that it is more of a side effect and not an intention?

Does the fact that he suffers from an addiction remove the discussion of disrespect?

Or do you believe that he is absolutely disrespecting you?

If so, how do you reconcile standing by someone's side as they blatantly disrespect you?

We talked a lot about trusting your gut when it comes to standing by someone with addiction. I've heard many women who have left their partners say that when it was time to leave, they KNEW it was time to leave. The question of when to stop fighting and throw in the towel has come up many times, and the response from those who know is that you trust your gut. If your gut says to stay, then you stay. If your gut says to leave, then it is time.

So do you think husbands who look at pornography/lie to their wives/have affairs/indulge in prostitution are disrespecting their wives? And, if so, is it ridiculous for women to stay and "work on their marriage" while being so disrespected? Are they just letting someone walk all over them?

I know this will evoke many "well, it depends on the situation" responses, and I completely agree, but I'm interested in hearing your thoughts.

lifting the burden

Nugget of wisdom from a wonderful sister at my support group tonight:

It feels good to not carry someone else's life on our shoulders.

I just read Scabs' post about a similar thought. There is wisdom and freedom and healing in letting go. It's not our burden to carry. And do you know what? Good things come from letting them be in charge of their own addiction. No, they may not jump up and fix themselves, but I can promise you that you will be well on your way to fixing yourself. And trust me--that feels good. Really good.

How exactly do we stop carrying their addiction? Just stop. Stop. Stop tracking their every move. Stop trying to fix them. Stop trying to manage their recovery efforts. Stop. Live your life the way you want to live. Be the person you want to be. Concentrate on you. They may not be the person you want them to be. But you can be sure that you are the person you want to be. Their life isn't yours to carry. And it feels so good to stop.

Nuggets of Wisdom

source

I don't necessarily consider myself wise on this topic, but I feel I have acquired a few nuggets of wisdom along the way. These have been bouncing around in my head over the past few days as a result of conversations with Mr. Mac and other friends.

I've found that the farther I travel down this road, the less it becomes about me and the more it becomes about making sure other women know these things. Not just hear them, but know them, believe them, live them. Sometimes I feel like if I just close my eyes and concentrate hard enough...push all my thoughts and vibes in your directions...then maybe you will know the way I know. But that's not how it works. We have to figure these things out on our own. All I can do is tell you what I know for me.

1. He will change when he is ready to change. We want that to be now. Unfortunately, that's not always the case. Trust me: His recovery efforts that come from you wanting them won't even compare to his recovery efforts that come from him wanting them. I've seen both. It's different when he wants to change for himself and not just to appease his unhappy wife.

2. Trust your gut. Your gut often knows a lot more than you do. In my life, my "gut" is promptings from my constant companion, the Holy Ghost. You can call it your guardian angel. You can call it your conscience. You can call it your gut. Whatever you call it, trust it.

3. You do what is right for your relationship. Set your own boundaries.* Set your own consequences.* I have so much respect and love for my fellow bloggers on this topic, but I don't always agree with their approach to the topic. You see, I don't have to. And they don't have to agree with me. We are all doing what is right for our own relationships. You* decide what is right for yours.

4. *Did you notice all the asterisks in #3? I'm opinionated about this. If you don't want your husband to look at porn, go ahead and set a boundary that you don't want him looking at it. Period. Then ask him his opinion on that boundary. Does he agree? If so, ask him to set a consequence for when he does. You can have your say on whether the consequence he chooses meets your expectations, but let this be something he takes charge of. He needs to be on board. If he's on board with the boundary, let him take responsibility for the consequences. If he's not on board with the boundary, you set the consequences, but chances are the behavior isn't going to stop if he's not even on board that it's a problem.

5. It sucks to accept that you may not be able to trust your spouse. It sucks. But it's a reality for many of us. I trust myself. I trust that I will be okay no matter what. I trust my Father in Heaven. But I'll whine and complain that I want to be able to trust my husband. I should be able to trust my husband. Unfortunately, that's not my reality right now. Maybe in the future, but for now I have to face the facts. Sometimes life just isn't how we wanted it to be. That's okay. In fact, I think that's the case for the vast majority of people on this earth. We'll be okay.

6. Nothing you fix about your looks could fix his problem. You're right: your body is not like a model's, you're cute but not drop-dead gorgeous, you've likely had kids and your lady parts are all stretched out, and you aren't all that kinky in the bedroom. Am I right? Of course I am. You're like me. You're normal. If you left your husband today and he started dating a gorgeous model who filled his every sexual fantasy, the porn problem would not go away. If he thinks you are the root of the problem or that he wouldn't look at porn if he were with someone else, he is in for a rude awakening. It's not you. The problem is between him and porn. It affects you, but it's not because of you. No, you aren't perfect. But you aren't the reason he looks at porn. Stop letting those thoughts into your head. They are a waste of your time and energy. (Besides, I have met some of the most stunningly beautiful women whose husbands have porn and sex addictions. They are living proof that the woman is not the problem.)

7. Find your self worth and hang onto it for dear life. Where do you find self worth? Inside yourself.

Attacked from all angles

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The last two days have been a struggle for me. I texted Jane today to vent, and she suggested that Satan's usual tricks aren't working on me so he had to come at me from a different angle. Ha! I love it. That girl keeps me sane.

So let me tell you about the last two days.

Monday morning: Pity party. (Yes. Even Mac has pity parties.) Let me share the thoughts that periodically run around in my head: Sometimes I wonder if Mr. Mac really likes me. Sure, he loves me--I'm his wife; the mother of his children. But does he like me? Does he think I'm fun? Does he like being around me? If we met right now, would he ask me out and pursue me like he did way back when? On Monday I happened to look back at the text messages on my phone and realized that of the 5 texts I had sent him in the previous 4 days (including 2 that morning), he had only responded to one. Nothing like big fat silence to make you feel loved during the day, huh? I wanted to send some rude comment like, "Feel free to respond to my texts once in a blue moon." Instead I took a deep breath, ranted a bit to Jane, and felt much better. (I later subtly asked if he received my texts and immediately he started responding to me and continued all day--even joking with me over text. Things aren't always as we make them out to be.)

Monday evening: Body images takes a crash. We watched a movie. The girl in the movie was gorgeous. Sexy? Yes. But not just sexy--all around adorable. Later that night we got a bit frisky, but all I could do in my mind was see the girl from the movie. All I could think about was my belly skin that used to be so tight before I had kids and was now hanging in strange directions. And my acne that I'm sure will never go away no matter how old I get. And that I hadn't shaved--neither legs nor whooha. (My tiny boobs didn't even cross my mind. Good thing, too, because that may have been the straw that broke the camel's back.) My mind was racing. I could see this ending badly. Me bursting into tears in front of a husband who wasn't aware of the battle going on in my head and was just happy to be with me. But... BUT... I gave it everything I had (Mentally, people! Get your minds out of the gutter!) and pushed those thoughts out of my head. And I succeeded. That was a hard one, my friends. I've always had a decent self image, so this caught me off guard and took a lot of will power.

Tuesday (today): I had lunch with my coworkers (love those girls) and the topic turned to trusting your partner/husband. They oozed trust and confidence and love. I heard them saying things that used to come out of my mouth, "I don't care what he does. I trust him." "Why would I need to give him permission to go somewhere? When you trust each other, it's a non-issue." "It doesn't matter if we're halfway across the world from each other--we both know neither of us would do anything questionable." "I'm not worried about him going to Vegas. What? He'll go to a strip club with the guys? I don't care. I know him well enough to know that he's not going to take a girl home. We trust each other." I didn't feel the need to say something about how they should be careful because you just never know. Instead I wanted to start sobbing because I used to have that kind of trust in my husband. I used to have that. Now I wonder what he's doing with his time and I get nervous about his female coworkers. It's ridiculous. This is no way to live. I miss the trust.

When did I become this broken woman? Where did my confidence go? Where did the trust go? Who in the world wants to live this way? Not I, said the Mac. Not I. But this is where the road of life has taken me. And there are so many other lovely things along this road of life that I can handle these things.

Satan, if you were standing in front of me right now, I'd punch you in the face. Quit bugging me. I have better things to do in life and refuse to let you bring me down anymore this week.

The Secret to My Success

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I'm having a good laugh about the title of this post. Success? What does that even mean in this context? I am successfully happy. I guess that will have to do. And a secret? Oh, how I wish I had a secret for all of you. Instead I've been thinking about what has led me to how well I'm doing mentally. Let me try to put it in words for you:

Success tip #1: I practiced Step 1. I'm sure the other steps in the 12-step program are wonderful and all, but really, I can't even tell you what they are. I can, however, tell you what Step 1 is: admitting I'm powerless over the actions of others and letting go of control. How do you do this? You just start. Even if you don't believe it yet. Start with small things. Do you have the urge to check the history on the computer every other day? Stop. Let go. Do you ask your husband what he did every day in order to point out all the ways he could have better spent his time to maximize recovery? Stop. Put it in his hands. It's not your addiction. Let go. Does your mind race and race and race thinking about his addiction or what you'll say to him the next time it comes up? Stop. Clear your mind. Stop the racing thoughts. Let go.

Success tip #2: I will not let it ruin my day. Oh, this takes so much practice. SOOOO much practice! I loved this post by Faithfully Jaded in which she talks about breathing slowly and forcing herself to not become despondent when hard things hit. When my mind starts racing and my heart starts pounding and I want to become a raging codependent, I sit back and think, "What did my day look like before I started having these thoughts? What was I hoping to do today? What kind of a mood did I plan to have?" Chances are I was going to have a good day. I was going to do something fun. I was going to be happy. So I make a very deliberate decision that this will not ruin my day. I will not let one more day of my life be ruined by this. I want to look back on my life and see good memories. I do not want to look back and see that my life revolved around this ONE thing. My husband is so much more than this one thing. Our relationship is more than this one thing. My life is amazing and I will not let the rest be overshadowed by this one thing.

Success tip #3: I trusted my gut. No, I don't mean that I trusted my gut and knew he was lying to me. I was never sure if he was lying or telling the truth. I wish I could tell you how to know if he is lying or how to trust again. I don't have those answers. I'd like to know them myself. However, I trusted my gut when it came to reacting. You see, when I found out he had been lying, my gut told me not to freak out. My gut told me that things were okay. My gut told me to roll my eyes and have a little heart to heart talk with my husband. My gut told me to reassure my husband that I will support him if he will just come to me in honesty. From what I can tell, my husband really is doing much better, and my gut confirmed that quite clearly. He is making progress. I never expected him to stop cold turkey. I knew he would have relapses (and that always drove him crazy--like I didn't believe in him). My gut told me not to freak out over this. So I didn't. And I'm fine.

Success tip #4: Support. Oh, friends, this is such a huge player in my progress and well being. Are you still silent and doing this alone? Are you still lurking in the shadows here on the blogs? Come out of the shadows. Say Hi. We don't need to know your real name. Pick a name for yourself and start commenting. Connecting to others who know exactly how you feel helps more than I think any of us every realized. I can tell you with everything in me that having a support group has made me all the difference.

I really am doing well. I did not get to this point over night, and it may change in the future. But for now, I am happy. I am proud of how far I've come and hope that many of you are on this journey with me.