You see, I keep doubting that my husband really likes me. I think he's doing his best to show me that he does, but I keep second guessing it.
Note: Since I'm all about doing a self-reflection when discussing someone else's behavior, I'm not sure I am even doing anything obvious to show him that I really truly like him, so I'm not positive what I'm expecting in return. We have different love languages, so I'll bet I'm not communicating it in a way he understands either.
Mr. Mac has been hanging out with his coworkers recently, which is fine with me. I really like the idea of him going out and spending time with people. Being social. Love it. But this last time some of them invited their significant others. But Mr. Mac certainly didn't extend the invitation to me. Bringing me along to hang out probably wasn't even in his thought process. Or maybe it was.
Being the ever-so-logical person I am, let me step out of the situation and examine it from the outside. It is quite possible that inviting me crossed his mind but he figured he'd have more fun without me there. (No--this is not me feeling all sorry for myself. This is me looking at the situation impartially.) There is definitely a big chance he is feeling pressure to get a good job, to get his actions in check, to fix his dishonesty problems, to be a better dad, to spend his time more wisely, etc, etc. All those things are intricately woven into his relationship with me. To leave all those things behind and really relax, he may feel the need to leave me back home as well.
Okay. Stepping back in emotionally. . . That hurts. Not him actually leaving me home. It's the idea behind it that hurts. That I am so intertwined with the pressures in his life that spending time without me sounds more relaxing than bringing me along.
I would love to be the one who brings him calm and peace. The one who brings fun into his life.
Unfortunately, I don't think that's the case right now.
You see, I think I just want to know that he still likes me more than anything else in the world. I don't do mushy love letters and stuff. That's not my language of love. But I think these are my language of love: "You're fun." "I like spending time with you." "I like you." "I had fun with you today." "You make me smile." "I just love being near you." "Let's hang out just me and you."
The problem is that I'm not sure those phrases would be entirely true coming from him right now.
Maybe 60% true. Maybe 70? But not 100.
I wish I were wrong, but I think this is actually a pretty normal thing for people to go through.
Your thoughts? Have you felt this way? Do you think you are/were bring self-destructive and making it worse by mulling over it? Have you discussed it with your partner?
I hate this, and I totally feel it. If I were Husband I wouldn't want to hang out with me either, but it breaks my heart that I don't give him that peace adn comfort and fun. I'm interested to see what other people say - does it just go away? Or do I have to try harder?
ReplyDeleteI wish people would say that it just goes away, but I'm not so sure it does.
DeleteSomething that's helped us lately is dating. We've finally come to grips with paying for a babysitter (swapping days are over) and we find no matter what we do, it is money well spent. We set some money aside at the beginning of the year so when we want to go out it's not drain on our usual finances.
ReplyDeleteI took a marriage and family class in college and my teacher told us that she and her husband made the rule they could not talk about kids or money while out on date night. At first they found they had nothing to talk about and had to really search to find talking points. Maybe you could make an effort to hang out with your husband and not allow any of the pressure points you mentioned come out. I think spending more time together will always be helpful.
And hang in there, you'll get through it!
I gave Husband a date a month (prepaid, preplanned, mostly a bunch of gift cards) for Christmas and we've been dating too. Sometimes these are intense dates that aren't much fun. Sometimes they are a beautiful way to get out and remember that we do get along in real life. :) Three cheers for dating.
DeleteYou know, I wrote this post last Wednesday, but it wasn't set to publish until this Monday. In the meantime, we had the BEST date on Saturday night. It felt like old times. We laughed, we danced, we flirted, we even had conversations that made us want to drop what we were doing and rush home to have a little fun in the sack. And I thought about not posting this. But then I remembered that these thoughts still creep in, so I might as well post it. And then on Sunday I felt like our world started to crumble again. So I guess it comes in waves. Regardless, I think I'm with you guys on the date nights. I think they are really important.
DeleteOh, Mac. This broke my heart. I'm so sorry you are feeling this way... Not sure what the answer is... Just know that I love you and I think you are one of the coolest, most fun people I know!
ReplyDeleteBig hugs!
XO
Thanks, Jacy. I'm not sure what the answer is either, but I think acknowledging it instead of pretending it doesn't exist is a step toward working on it. Thanks for the encouragement.
DeleteI know that feeling and I hate that! It hurts because you WANT to be included, to be loved, to be someone to get excited about, and if he isn't feeling that way, you at least want the decency for him to talk to you about it!! However, I also know that our greatest anxieties are things that stack up in our mind when the reality of them isn't as daunting (not trying to discredit your emotions AT ALL - you are totally validated), but maybe instigate an open conversation with him to see what his view is. I love you!!
ReplyDeleteYeah, I think half of it is real and half of it is me escalating it beyond what it really is. We actually did talk about it the other night, although I feel like I've brought it up enough that I'm beating a dead horse. He knows, so now we just have to see where it goes.
Deletethis post was great! and it covers something a lot of us may feel. i know i do. and I also know how it feels to beat a dead horse...not so great.
Deletesometimes for us, i see a bit of personality difference that hinders me feeling like I'm liked. I'm passionate and excited. i always shout out and big good morning when my kids crawl out of bed...a big hello to the morning announcing life is good. Mr scabs is more of a "hey, hows it goin?" kind of guy. this post made me think.
sometimes i wish mr scabs was more passionate, and more passionately interested in what im interested in. i wish there was more fun quirky banter.
Maybe it's not really about truly being liked, maybe it's more about the right kinds of communication. just a thought.
I have to tell him, "I like it when you holla 'good morning' it makes me feel like you like me.
This breaks my heart because I know how bad it hurts. Recently my fiance told me he's been getting depressed because he doesn't have friends that invite him to go hang out and he doesn't get "guy time." I can work with this and try not to take it personally although I myself do not have a large group of friends or go out on my own, I don't wish for it. But I can understand that he does miss that and I just want him to be happy. Bottom line is though I may not trust some of his aquaintances, I do trust him and so even though I could torture myself in my head all day long about why he wanted time without me or what the guys do when we aren't around, I trust my fiance. I didn't always have this, there were relationships in the past where I had no trust whatsoever, nor did they give me any reason to trust them. I feel blessed to have someone in my life I do trust, even though doubt will still pop up I know in my heart I trust him.
ReplyDeleteAfter he told me he needed to get out and do some things, I sugguested he go with his brother for a few days because his brother works 3 hours away and he could go have fun with his brother. So I think this is what is going to happen. Though I hate being without him, I think it gives him the opportunity to realize how much he will miss us and what he's leaving behind when he goes. He also builds his self esteem in the mean time being presented with situations where he will have to use his own judgement and uphold this trust I've given to him somewhat freely. I am not one to try to assume the worst unless someone gives me good reason to. This is a big step for me and him, me because I'm not big on leaving my family so personally don't understand all of his reasons, everything I do for fun I want him and the kids included as much as possible. But I'm learning day by day how much different men are then women. I don't understand it, but I'm working to accept it. I agree with everyone else, talk to him, have a heart to heart and dates are great to bring you closer together. Show him that you are still the fun loving person he fell in love with, and when he's gone, garunteed he will be missing you too.
Thanks for this. I know you and I have talked about this more on email, but it's nice to see it here as well. ;)
Deleteah, I always feel so out of place commenting but this is a topic that has come up with me and my girlfriend (plus, i really like the way you think Mac...and good job on that 12 mile run)
ReplyDeleteMen do need their manly, guy time. I NEED a time at least once a week where I bike 15 miles up a huge hill or climb a mountain or play soccer with my guy buddies. Honestly, i'm garbage and fake if i don't. maybe ask him what 'guy' things he likes to do and give him 'permission' to do it. i used to feel real guilty being gone to do a workout, but my girl has told me she doesn't mind (as long as it isn't excessive) Piercing_in_places has a great understanding to see this for her fiance.
I am sorry if Mr. Mac doesn't always show interest that you'd like (i don't know if it's real or not). But the fact that you had a great date night on Saturday means alot. A good fun date one on one with some snuggling at the end always causes us to like each other so much.
Hi Warrior! I hope you always feel comfortable commenting here. You know we are starved for the input from the "guys." Just to clarify--my husband and I have always been completely okay with each other having "girl time" and "guy time." I've ditched my husband for who-knows-how-many hours during our marriage to run or cycle or hike or hang out with friends. Likewise, he has always had his weekly soccer night (sometimes 2 depending on how busy our lives are at the time) and time to go work on his small business with his friend. That's actually not the issue here. We're very supportive of each other in that regard. What I'm talking about here is the idea that he would prefer to be without me in general. That I'm not the fun one in his life. That, in his opinion, I'm dragging him down. That's what was eating at me.
DeleteOnce again I find that I'm on the "guy" side of this. Rob has always seemed like he wants to be with me, but I'm the one who occasionally isn't sure I want to be with him! I would feel sad about that, but I don't. Rob is a great guy who is very patient. Honestly, I don't know how he does it.
ReplyDeleteAs I form friendships and have social things that I attend without him, it's become SUPER important that the two of us communicate. I love my husband dearly, but sometimes he'll feel like I'd rather be in someone else's company (I mean in a platonic way), even though that's totally not true! It's been an interesting learning process for us both, figuring out what we do and don't need.
I hear you on the 7 year thing, though. That was THE WORST year for us. A lot of awkwardness. A lot of frustration. A lot of re-analyzing what we've got and if we want to keep it around.
Also: You're totally fun!
;) I'm glad you think I'm fun. (PS--Readers--you should know that Tamra is an old friend of mine. Love this girl.)
DeleteI do think there is a fine line between wanting alone time (or social time without the spouse) for sanity's sake and preferring to hang out with other people in general. And hard to perceive which is true. Communication really is the key.
Amazing how the 7-year thing is true! 8 has been hard, too.
why do we women crave for attention from men who are addicted to other women?are we so damaged by their addiction that we constantly seek reassurance that we matter to them?
ReplyDeleteI completely understand what you're saying, but in this case this post doesn't actually have to do with the pornography. I'm not craving attention from the porn addict. I'm craving attention from the man I'm in love with--the father of my children--my best friend. Because if I don't matter to him, then why would we be together? I think this is something that can apply to all relationships, not just those dealing with addiction.
Delete