I'm a wife dealing with her husband's addiction to pornography. I hope to be a resource for wives (and family members) dealing with similar struggles. Please join in the conversation and leave comments--even if you are here for curiosity's sake and are just learning about this kind of struggle! You can read my story here and the 4 things I think every addict's wife should know here.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Is he disrespecting you?

Caution: I think this discussion might be difficult for some people who are feeling very fragile right now. I'd love to hear from you, but please know that it might evoke some strong feelings.

Source
This past weekend I went on a long run with one of my favorite people. She is seriously the BEST conversationalist. If you ever need to run a ton of miles, take her along. In fact, maybe I'll rent her out. Any takers?

Among other topics, we talked about this blog community. We talked about it for probably 4 or 5 miles (when you're running, you track everything in miles). She brought up the topic of respect, or, more specifically, disrespect. The conversation was riveting, even after 12 miles of running.

So here is my question to you: Do you believe that your husband is disrespecting you through his actions?

Have you detached yourself so far from his problem that you don't believe it has anything to do with  you, therefore whether he is disrespecting you isn't even a factor in the equation?

Do you believe his actions disrespect you but that it is more of a side effect and not an intention?

Does the fact that he suffers from an addiction remove the discussion of disrespect?

Or do you believe that he is absolutely disrespecting you?

If so, how do you reconcile standing by someone's side as they blatantly disrespect you?

We talked a lot about trusting your gut when it comes to standing by someone with addiction. I've heard many women who have left their partners say that when it was time to leave, they KNEW it was time to leave. The question of when to stop fighting and throw in the towel has come up many times, and the response from those who know is that you trust your gut. If your gut says to stay, then you stay. If your gut says to leave, then it is time.

So do you think husbands who look at pornography/lie to their wives/have affairs/indulge in prostitution are disrespecting their wives? And, if so, is it ridiculous for women to stay and "work on their marriage" while being so disrespected? Are they just letting someone walk all over them?

I know this will evoke many "well, it depends on the situation" responses, and I completely agree, but I'm interested in hearing your thoughts.

25 comments:

  1. I think the looking at porn, the lying, the assuming he had the right to decide what I did and did not need to know, were all highly disrespectful -- and the antithesis of what our marriage was supposed to be.
    But, I honestly don't think he 'meant' to disrespect me. In fact, in his own twisted way, he was protecting not only himself, but me. Keeping this part of him hidden away, was supposed to protect him from the consequences as well as protect me from the pain. He's starting to realize the flawed reasoning behind that, but for him, for so long, this was his secret shame, that he couldn't even fathom it being disrespectful to anyone else to hide it from them, because it was so shameful to him that it needed to be hidden.
    Here's the big thing now though -- he's really starting to 'get it' -- how it makes me feel, how disrespectful it is of me, our family, our future and our plans in life -- that if he goes back to his old behaviors (not the porn, but the lying and minimizing it), then I don't know how I handle being more willfully disrespected. That'll be interesting . . .

    ReplyDelete
  2. I think Hx said a lot of what I was thinking. Especially that first part, him being the sole decision maker for things that directly affected me is disrespectful.

    But I liked your question: "Do you believe his actions disrespect you but that it is more of a side effect and not an intention?"

    When I look in his eyes I don't see defiance or a lack of respect for me. I sometimes see some pride and resentment, but as far as the way he INTENDS to treat me, I believe he is appreciative and respectful.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I have conflicting thoughts here so please bear with me. I think I agree with HX & her thoughts for the most part. I don't think he sees it as disrespecting me - especially when I don't know. I also feel that at least I personally (note - I am preparing to do step 4) have disrespected him in a variety of way - so we're even, right? JK - it's never right.

    However - I do see defiance, disregard - even when I am obviously hurt, & resentment towards me -when I confront him. And sometimes it hard to see it any other way than disrespectful.

    Just like the pepper he puts into stuff (excessively & when it isn't called for) even though he knows I hate pepper & he knows I am very careful never to add extra salt (which I love) to anything but my own personal food. Now that just really irks me. I mean - if you really cared or respected me he wouldn't do that - right.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I feel the disrespect is definitely a side effect rather then intentional. The fact that he tried to hide this from me knowing it would hurt me, shows he cares how I feel. Now to all the ladies out there, I would DEFINITELY worry if he just does whatever he wants, doesn't even try to hide it, and rubs it in your face or compares you. I have been through the latter. I had an ex that I was with for three years and when I discovered his pornography addiction, he didn't even acknowlege my feelings but went out of his way to make comparisons with my body vs. the other women and tell me it was my fault he had to look at other people, because I just wasn't good enough. I had the gut feeling that it was time to leave a year and a half or so into the relationship, but didn't listen to it and instead tried to stay and work it out. In the end, I exhausted myself, wasted my time and his, and came out somewhat broken. Stronger? Yes, but I broke myself unneccisarily in ways I never should have had to.
    My current fiance understands that a lot of the hurt comes from the comparisons that were made to me in the past and the fact that I was never made to feel good enough. He is sensitive to these feelings and though he still has his temptations, by hiding or trying to erase it shows me he is doing his best to safeguard my feelings. He doesn't want to be like those other guys, he wants to be better, the best I ever had, and I believe this hurts him just as much as it hurts me, if not more that he has these thoughts of infidelity or moments of curiousity despite the fact that he knows he already has a great thing going. His biggest fear in me finding out is that I would leave him. Now that he knows I won't leave him and am willing to work through ths together, he is a little more open to talk to me about it and I feel it has stregthened our relationship.

    In the end, I know in my past I have left people for a lot less, and in the past I have also left people for a lot worse reasons, but this is because I eventually followed my gut instinct that it was time to move on. All my instincts, my gut, heart, and head are all telling me this one is worth working out and this is a very small issue when I look at the big picture.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Just yesterday I was with a friend who's young son began to argue with me that the rule I had established for my son was perhaps a little overboard. He was just surprised by the higher standard I had set for my son and didn't see the harm in what he was allowed to do. I didn't think too much of it, but his mom (my friend) immediately reprimanded him and TAUGHT him that what he was doing (in arguing with me) was COMPLETELY disrespectful and inappropriate. His intention wasn't to be disrespectful, but ultimately his behavior was disrespectful and he needed to be taught to understand that.

    Likewise, I believe that these men genuinely aren't acting out of disrespect. But the fact that they are not intending to be disrespectful does not alter the fact that their actions are EXTREMELY disrespectful. They need to be taught to understand this. And in the mean time, the women need to be taught to not take it as personally as the men go through this unfortunate learning curve.

    My husband is one who NEVER considered the fact that his actions hurt anyone but himself. He would never have made the connection that this had any reflection whatsoever on his feelings/commitment to/ and respect for me. But I asked him your question upon reading your post and he unequivocally said that yes, it IS disrespectful - never with the intention of being disrespectful, but disrespectful anyway. HUGE learning curve - but he understands it completely now.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Whenever my feelings gets hurt by anything my husband might have said or done, he always says "well, I didn't mean to...". I believe that. He would never maliciously or purposefully hurt me. But..a side effect to his pornography addiction is complete disrepect. This the way I explained it to him. I was a virgin when we got married in my late 20's. That was not an easy feat, but I did it, because I valued its importance and viewed it as sacred. What I worked to save so hard for him, he chooses to easily access and observe other people in the same act that I saved for him. Hurtful and disrepctful. Is his INTENT to disrespect me, no...but i find it completely disrespectful.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Thank you for helping out, excellent information. “Whoever obeys the gods, to him they particularly listen.” by Homer.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I certainly feel disrespected by my husband and there are very obvious times when it is intentional, even in his addiction. I do not feel that his lies had anything to do with protecting me, only protecting himself. I think lying itself is disrespect. He married me-he knows that I am willing to listen to whatever he has to say having known about his addiction before we were married, but by choosing to lie, he thought I wasn't worth the truth.

    I have no tolerance for it now. If he says something that I find disrespectful, I call him on it. He likes to tell me (and others) that they are "confused" when he doesn't agree with something and I hate that. I am not confused, the children are not confused, our friends aren't confused-we know what we are saying. He just doesn't want to hear it, or he himself is "confused."

    ReplyDelete
  9. my ex Brad and I broke up. I felt lost, confused and devastated and all I knew is I had to have Brad back. A piece of me was missing without him. After doing some research I found out about drlawrencespelltemple@hotmail.com“: The ONLY Way to Get Him Back & Create the Life Together You KNOW is Meant to be!. and I’m pleased to tell you IT WORKED!! Today, Brad and I are back together and we are more happy than ever. Our life together is everything I ever dreamed about as we are now engaged to be married in Las Vegas next year. I can’t even imagine what my life would have been like if I didn’t get Brad back. Recover My Lover was worth every penny and I highly recommend it to anyone out there looking to get an ex back in their life.” email;drlawrencespelltemple@hotmail.com

    ReplyDelete
  10. My Husband doesnt drink, or watch pornography, but im constantly disrepected, I will give an example. I will ask him a question, hi honey our friends are inviting us to dinner friday, his response is sure lets meet up, friday comes around, im getting ready, he says I dont like the restaraunt they picked, can we change, I say sure why dont you call and ask, thats were they were inviting us to eat with them at, he wont call, but will go to the dinner

    ReplyDelete
  11. He will say derogatory remarks, and pout, make everyone uncomfortable, I will ask him later why he is being difficult and disrespecting, his reply is, I didnt like the restaraunt, and so I didnt have a good time, you should have called and changed the restara

    ReplyDelete
  12. Ladies, I walk around in this life, with knowing that im being disrespected. I live with the fact that, I cannot cook or clean enough, work enough, to stop the disrepect, its a control self esteem issue with them, its up to me on if I want to take this disrespect borderline abuse anymore. We went to counseling, by the next appt, he gave me so many chores, errands to run, making it difficult to go, I just called and cancelled, I know have an unfinished painted kitchen, and a credit card debt of 3,000 for the roof, he was miraculously fixing during therapy, still not paid

    ReplyDelete
  13. Hello I am Brittney Lisa ,from USA, I am out here to spread this good news to the entire world on how I got my ex husband back.I was going crazy when my husband left me and my two kids for another woman last month, But when i met a friend that introduced me to Dr iayaryi the great messenger to the oracle of Dr iayaryi solution home,I narrated my problem to Dr iayaryi about how my ex Husband left me and my two kids and also how i needed to get a job in a very big company.He only said to me that i have come to the right place were i will be getting my heart desire without any side effect.He told me what i need to do,After it was been done,24 hours later,My Ex Husband called me on the phone and was saying sorry for living me and the kids before now and one week after my Husband called me to be pleading for forgiveness,I was called for interview in a very big company here in USA were i needed to work as the managing director..I am so happy and overwhelmed that i have to tell this to the entire world to contact Dr iayaryi on his personal email address and get all your problems solve..No problem is too big for him to solve..Contact him direct on: (driayaryi2012@hotmail.com)and get your problems solved like me..... ONCE AGAIN HIS EMAIL ADDRESS IS: (driayaryi2012@hotmail.com)

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  14. Hello I am Brittney Lisa ,from USA, I am out here to spread this good news to the entire world on how I got my ex husband back.I was going crazy when my husband left me and my two kids for another woman last month, But when i met a friend that introduced me to Dr iayaryi the great messenger to the oracle of Dr iayaryi solution home,I narrated my problem to Dr iayaryi about how my ex Husband left me and my two kids and also how i needed to get a job in a very big company.He only said to me that i have come to the right place were i will be getting my heart desire without any side effect.He told me what i need to do,After it was been done,24 hours later,My Ex Husband called me on the phone and was saying sorry for living me and the kids before now and one week after my Husband called me to be pleading for forgiveness,I was called for interview in a very big company here in USA were i needed to work as the managing director..I am so happy and overwhelmed that i have to tell this to the entire world to contact Dr iayaryi on his personal email address and get all your problems solve..No problem is too big for him to solve..Contact him direct on: (driayaryi2012@hotmail.com)and get your problems solved like me..... ONCE AGAIN HIS EMAIL ADDRESS IS: (driayaryi2012@hotmail.com)

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    Email:jamesraymond@tutanota.com

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  25. We specialized in Bank Guarantee {BG}, Standby Letter of Credit {SBLC}, Medium Term Notes {MTN}, Confirmable Bank Draft {CBD} as well as other financial instruments issued from AAA Rated bank such as HSBC Bank Hong Kong, HSBC Bank London, Deutsche Bank AG Frankfurt, Barclays Bank , Standard Chartered Bank and others on lease at the lowest available rates depending on the face value of the instrument needed.

    We deliver with time and precision as sethforth in the agreement. Our terms and Conditions are reasonable, below is our instrument description.

    The procedure is very simple; the instrument will be reserved on euro clear to be verified by your bank, after verification an arrangement will be made for necessary bank documents and stock testing expenses, the cost of the Bank Guarantee will be paid after the delivery of the MT760.

    DESCRIPTION OF INSTRUMENT:
    Instrument: Bank Guarantee (BG/SBLC).
    Total Face Value: Minimum of 1M Eur/USD (One Million Eur/USD) to Maximum of 5B Euro/USD(Five Billion Eur/USD).
    Issuing Bank: HSBC London, Barclays Bank, Deutsche Bank Frankfurt, Hong Kong, Any AA rated Bank in Europe or any Top 25 WEB.
    Age: One Year, One Day
    Leasing Price: 4% of Face Value plus 1% commission fees to brokers.
    Delivery: Bank to Bank SWIFT.
    Payment: MT-760.
    Hard Copy: Bonded Courier within 7 banking days.

    All relevant business information will be provided upon request plus our terms and
    procedures.

    Contact name: Azra Ishaque

    Email : lintel.financialservicesplc@gmail.com

    Skype : lintel.financialservicesplc

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