I'm a wife dealing with her husband's addiction to pornography. I hope to be a resource for wives (and family members) dealing with similar struggles. Please join in the conversation and leave comments--even if you are here for curiosity's sake and are just learning about this kind of struggle! You can read my story here and the 4 things I think every addict's wife should know here.

Saturday, March 31, 2012


Do you know the name of this Dali painting? Let me know and I'll find a good source to link here.
Sorry I haven't been posting much lately. Life has been quite busy, and I started recognizing some codependent tendencies.

Do you know what codependency is? Essentially it's when your thoughts, emotions, and actions start revolving too much about your loved one's addiction. The fact that the addiction has taken over their life takes over your life. You spend all your time thinking about it and addressing it. Mrs. A put it perfectly the other day; take a minute to go read her post here. Codependency is exhausting.

I also realized that this blog, though a HUGE part of my own recovery and a HUGE support and blessing in my life through the women I have met, was taking over my thoughts. I was posting all the time and neglecting my family blog. As I began to focus on myself and less on the addiction, I've pursued some new things and am taking care of myself. I've taken a little step back. Not too big of a step, because you guys are my lifeline! But, I have spent a little more time reading what you have been writing and a little less time writing my own posts. Don't worry, I plan to start posting more regularly again soon, but I needed to focus more attention on non-addiction aspects of my life for a bit.

In the meantime, I love this post by Jane yesterday. She sure knows how to calm a troubled heart!

Not to mention I made Scabs' (aka April) chocolate chip cookies tonight. So so so yummy.

And for the single ladies out there who have had your families torn apart by this addiction: A brother from our church gave the most WONDERFUL talk during our semi-annual worldwide broadcast conference today. I don't know his name, but he was the bald one with the cool glasses, and he spoke in the first half hour of the afternoon session. He addressed the women who are going it alone. It made me cry. You are so so so strong. We all are. We can handle so much. As soon as the talks are posted (they will eventually have it as audio, video, and text), I will post a link here.

I hope you are all doing well. Sending all my love.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

When You Just Can't Choose to be Happy

{Note to readers: I just realized that my settings were configured in a way that didn't allow anonymous comments. I'm so sorry! I just fixed it. Anonymous comments are absolutely welcome!}

This topic of choosing our attitude has been on my mind a lot recently. It's something I've grown up with in my religion--the idea that oftentimes you don't have any control over what happens to you in life, but you have control over how you react.

This does not mean that we have to be jumping  up and down laughing in our hard times. Just that we can learn and grow and choose to use our experiences for our good.

However, I think it is so so so important to remember that sometimes we are not in the right mental health to choose to our attitude. I think that sometimes (in our church but also in many other groups) so much emphasis is put on praying and holding our head up high and focusing on the positive to get through our troubles that we feel like failures when we can't do it.

I have a couple of family members who have gone through very rough periods in their lives, and both were diagnosed with depression.

One had people tell her over and over for years, "You'll be fine. You'll pull out of it. Keep praying. Focus on the positive." Etc, etc. She tried to tell people she was depressed and these were the responses given to her. When she told me, I took her to a depression class that my hospital offers where she was diagnosed as being severely to clinically depressed. She finally went to a doctor and got medicine. It took her a couple tries to find the right medicine and dosage, but she finally got the help she needed.

The other family member had just gone through a painful and abrupt divorce. The problems in her life were piling up before her eyes and she couldn't deal with them. She shut down. The problems got worse. It was a downward cycle. After a year of not being herself, I encouraged her to go see a doctor about depression. She was only on medication for a very very short period of time, but she is herself again now. She is still dealing with hard things, but the depression is no longer impeding her ability to address her problems and move forward with her life.

When someone is depressed (either situationally or clinically), the depression takes over their ability to effectively deal with life. It's a cycle--a downward spiral. Life becomes overwhelming, which sparks the depression, which leads to wanting to shut down mentally and not deal with the problems that are piling up in front of you, which makes life even more overwhelming, which makes you even more depressed... The counselor at the meeting pointed out that the point of depression medication is to bring you up to a mental state that allows you to address the things in your life that are causing the depression. It takes the depression out of the picture and stops the cycle. It makes it so you can deal with your life problems while in a healthy state of mind. Then you are weaned off the medication. The plan is never for you to be on medication the rest of your life.

My point is this: depression impedes your ability to choose how you approach life. Telling a person who is suffering from depression that they will be fine if they just prayed more is like telling someone who is dealing with cancer that they will be healed if they just prayed more. Heavenly Father didn't give us doctors and medicine and research for nothing. They are here for our use and just might be the answer to your prayers. Don't be afraid to talk to your doctor if you think you are depressed.

Monday, March 12, 2012


To my readers: In case you didn't see, I guest posted on A Blog About Love today. If you don't follow that blog, I highly recommend you start.

To those who followed the link here from Mara and Danny's post: Welcome! I'm quite open to conversations (even from people who don't see things the same way I do or who don't really understand much about addiction or those who don't think pornography is even a bad thing), so chime in if you have any questions or comments.

To the women who are struggling with this or similar situations in your marriages: I'm so glad you're here. We understand how you are feeling. Sending you my love. Be sure to check out the links in my side bar. These are the women who inspired me to write, and I consider them my friends even though we have never met.