Nugget of wisdom from a wonderful sister at my support group tonight:
It feels good to not carry someone else's life on our shoulders.
I just read Scabs' post about a similar thought. There is wisdom and freedom and healing in letting go. It's not our burden to carry. And do you know what? Good things come from letting them be in charge of their own addiction. No, they may not jump up and fix themselves, but I can promise you that you will be well on your way to fixing yourself. And trust me--that feels good. Really good.
How exactly do we stop carrying their addiction? Just stop. Stop. Stop tracking their every move. Stop trying to fix them. Stop trying to manage their recovery efforts. Stop. Live your life the way you want to live. Be the person you want to be. Concentrate on you. They may not be the person you want them to be. But you can be sure that you are the person you want to be. Their life isn't yours to carry. And it feels so good to stop.
LOVE this post. So simply, succinctly, beautifully put.
ReplyDeleteAnd I love how your group sister summed it up -- a true nugget of wisdom and hope in recovery. Thank you for sharing this. I've linked to it on the forum.
I'm going to add one more thing to your list of things to stop: Stop obsessing -- about what he's done or is doing or might do, about whatever else that puts your mind in overdrive and going in crazy circles. If you are obsessing you are burdened. Fill your mind with something that fills you, rather than with thoughts that drain you.
ReplyDeleteOh, the stop obsessing is the hardest part. I can't say I'm there yet. It still creeps in. But at least I have learned how to not actually ACT on that obsessing as often. Baby steps, right?
DeleteMy husband finally has a sponsor -- and although I should've learned it on my own before this anyway, and I shouldn't NEED for him to be checking in with someone -- it was once my husband had a sponsor that I let go more and let him just own it. And THEN I finally learned why it's so good to let go :-) Life is so much easier, freer, when I'm not obsessing over it. I still think about it more than I'd like to, and I"m working on lessening that, but for now, I really am enjoying the space to breathe . . .
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure anyone at my husband's group has a sponsor. I asked a long time ago, but since then I've let go enough that I haven't thought to ask. Ha! But I know he doesn't have a sponsor. I'm glad to know it has helped you!
DeleteI agree. Letting go is so healthy and feels great. But I still need to know what's going on recovery wise or I start to go a little bonkers.
ReplyDeleteI feel like I just need to know if and when he has slip ups. For us the honesty has been the issue, so the honesty is my focus (and really my only concern right now). I feel like the rest only has to do with him and his recovery, but the honesty involves me (because I'm the one being lied to).
DeleteHi Mac. I'm ultra new to this online world of women. Honestly, I wish I weren't. I wish you weren't. I wish this problem wasn't making its way in to our homes, but it is. And wishing it away hasn't solved anything for me (at least not yet). I've been reading and reading and reading. Your posts, posts from many other women whose husbands have this struggle, articles on the subject, and on and on. I just wanted to say thank you. It makes me feel less alone and less helpless in this struggle. I think what you are talking about in this post has been (and continues to be) the hardest aspect of this whole ordeal. I just care so much, and I don't know how to let it go and let it be his issue. Anyway, I appreciate your words. I appreciate your willingness to write and to share. It has helped me, and I'm sure it will continue to help me.
ReplyDeleteOh man, I WISH the wishing problems away worked! I'm glad you're here. Not glad your'e in the situation, but glad you're here. Isn't is so nice just to know that other people understand? That's how I felt. Looking forward to hearing your thoughts more often.
DeleteThank you for helping out, excellent information. “Whoever obeys the gods, to him they particularly listen.” by Homer.
ReplyDeleteThis is my first time on this site and Mac whenever I read about your life it was so familiar. Our friends think we have it all nice home,three beautiful children a husband who dotes on me but they have no idea what my life has been like since finding out about his porn addiction.He has made what therapists say is full recovery but no matter what I can't let go of it.I am in such a dark place and he has cone everything you could have ask of a man but I still cry weekly after years and think sadly I will never be in love with him again.I do not want go leave and tear up our kids life so I am here for them. I am so sad it all happened and I was clueless...
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ReplyDeleteHi ladies, it's been a LONG while (too long) since I've been on here. My summer was crazy...it started out with me backing our van into a vehicle that belonged to one of the teens in our youth group while it was parked at our house in June, to the steering wheel on our van locking up while I was driving w/ a van full of teens in August. Thankfully, I missed the telephone pole by a foot but did hit the pole's guide wire & came to rest in an orchard). THEN in September I totalled our Geo Metro during my lunch break on a job training at the school. I spent most of October working between the school as a para educator as well as the police department as a relief clerk & then spent all of November & December making three 90 mile round trips a week to a neighboring town for Chiropractic & Massage Therapy visits to help with the neck & back pain resulting from my accident in September. So my life has been hectic since the summer & I have totally missed blogging & reading everyone's blogs! I am back & happy to be. I must say I am in the over-burdened & obcessed stage of this process w/ my husband's recovery. I DON'T like it & I can definately attest that it is tiresome & a worthless effort because it's too much to carry (and NOT mine to carry). It reminds me of a Psalm that says, "...Neither do I concern myself with great matters, nor w/ things too profound for me. Surely I have calmed & quieted MY soul..." Psalm 131:1b-2a. My husband's recovery is a great matter that is TOO much for me (but NOT too much for he & God together). Thank you for posting this...thank you for walking through this journey with all of us...I'm so thankful none of us are alone.
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