I'm a wife dealing with her husband's addiction to pornography. I hope to be a resource for wives (and family members) dealing with similar struggles. Please join in the conversation and leave comments--even if you are here for curiosity's sake and are just learning about this kind of struggle! You can read my story here and the 4 things I think every addict's wife should know here.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

I don't owe you anything


Tonight was a struggle for me. I've been thinking a lot about the women who fought this battle for years only to have it get worse and end in divorce. I'll be honest--this scares me. I'm realistic enough to know that we could end up in the same boat if things take a turn for the worse. While we seem to be doing really well right now, it still is quite sobering to remember this possibility.

While I tried to fight it, these thoughts crept into my mind and put me in quite the somber mood.

At one point in the evening, my husband was joking around about something and said, "Well, you know you owe me." I was quiet for a minute and said, "I don't owe you anything." And for a few minutes, I meant it. I owe him? It should be the other way around. I have endured a lot because of his actions. I've supported him. I've pushed him through school. I've worked full time to support our family. I've written and re-written countless resumes and cover letters for him. I've grown kids inside me and my body is forever changed as a result. I've forgiven him time and time again for seeking sexual pleasure in porn and for lying to me. I gave myself to him and only him and have never lied to him.

So, yes, I meant it when I said, "I don't owe you anything."

I felt this anger inside me, and it was ugly. It lingers in me hours later, and it's still ugly.

I know my husband is a good person. I know he loves me. He does way more to contribute at home and with our kids than most men I know. He always tells me how attractive and kind I am. He hugs me. He wants to support our family so I can stay home and is working hard to find the right opportunity. He is consciously working to change his attitude and be a happier and more dedicated person. Through those ugly thoughts I convince myself that I am the only one contributing in this relationship, and that I owe him nothing and he owes me everything. In reality, that's no the case. He contributes as much as I do. We just contribute in different ways.

Neither of us owes the other anything. I know he was joking, but it struck a very sensitive chord in me. Just another thing I need to work through in order to leave the resentment behind.

Do you have these same kinds of thoughts?


  1. I know how you feel! There was a time when I felt my husband was pulling more of the weight, dragging me through. And I felt like I owed him. And then I pulled him through some tough times. I realized that marriage is a relationship where both people fight for the good of the whole. We both tough it out. We both forgive. We both are weak people trying to be strong together. We are a team.

    I feel like I owe my husband decency, because all humans deserve that. But I don't "owe him," and he doesn't "owe me." If my husband were to say, even jokingly, that I owe him, I would tear him apart! Your response was so nice. :)

    1. I love that: "I feel like I owe my husband decency, because all humans deserve that." Yes, I owe him a kind heart and my love, because everyone deserves that from me. And I had never thought about there being a time when he would pull the weight and drag me through when I was having a hard time. So far that hasn't happened, but I shouldn't forget that it could. Thank you!