Does the porn even matter to you anymore?

I feel like we wives go through certain stages as we process and deal with addiction, much the same way people go through the 5 stages of grief. Granted, many of our stages are cyclical and occur in different orders depending on our situations, but I think many of us go through similar stages.

Pain
Anger
Self pity
Loss of confidence
Codependence
Trust issues
Shame
Anger (yes, again)
Surge of confidence (I am woman, hear me roar. And don't piss me off or I will bite your head off.)
Detachment
etc.

(Man, I love the surge of confidence days.)

I have talked to many people recently who mention that it's not even the porn that's the issue anymore.

Wait, what? Isn't that why we're all here?

Yes and no. Like I've said before, there are usually deeper problems going on in our marriage and damaging behavior that accompanies the porn.

Lying
Blaming
Manipulation
Apathy

How many times have you heard, "I don't even care about the pornography so much anymore. If only he would just stop manipulating the situation to make me look like the bad guy." "It's not even the pornography that gets to me now. It's the lying that goes along with it."

Sure. The pornography is bad. There is so much ugliness in that industry. But the behavior that accompanies the addiction is perhaps more damaging.

Do you find yourself in this stage?

is he a creep?

source

Where do you draw the line between nice guy with a problem and a creep?

Because my husband is not a creep. Granted, my husband is one of the milder cases of pornography addiction out there (in my opinion). But that doesn't mean people won't judge him for having an addiction to pornography. What a terribly humiliating thing to have to admit to yourself and others.

Let's look at society as a whole. I would say that the vast majority of men out there use pornography. And no one thinks twice about it. Imagine your stereotypical college male--straight out of the movies. Good looking, partier, the cool guy in the movies. He looks at porn. So do his friends. They joke about it when they hang out. Duh. That's totally normal. Isn't that what all single males that age do?

Now let's move to the more conservative (and often religious) circles who have been taught to stay away from pornography. Pornography = bad. So when you find out that the parallel good-looking, life-of-the-party young male (or even "perfect" husband) in your more conservative circle has an addiction to pornography, the mind starts to race. What else does he do? What else does he lie about? Has he hooked up with other girls? Is he addicted to sex? Oh my goodness, is he looking at child porn?? Has he molested anyone???

Do you see what we do? We demonize something that seems totally normal in the rest of society. I'm not saying that I think pornography is a good thing or even acceptable. I think it has implications that many people don't grasp. That addiction to it is easier (and more common) than people think. That it is an addictive substance that shouldn't be taken lightly.

But my point here is that we have to be careful in how we judge people who have gotten sucked into pornography. I wish I could tell the world to be careful how they judge my husband. Yes, it's true that anyone in porn addiction could end up going down that slippery slope into much worse territory, but that doesn't necessarily mean they will.

Why the double standard?

Why do we shrug our shoulders at the college frat boy yet pity and shame the nice LDS boy?

Is it because we hold him to a higher standard? We expect more of him?

Is the shame and secrecy only adding to the addiction?

I don't believe that the shame and secrecy are the only source of the addiction. To say that these men are addicted because their upbringing has told them "no, no, no" is a cop-out and just uses religion and conservative views as a scapegoat. (And provides no explanation for non-religious men who are addicted to pornography.) I think the college frat boy is just as likely to be addicted but less likely to recognize the addiction.

So is the porn addict a creep? He could be, depending on how deep into sex addiction he is.

But chances are he is not. Chances are he is the college frat boy who has actually recognized that he has a problem and is (hopefully) working to fix it.

Should you be on my side bar?

I'm so behind. So so so far behind. My side bar is so terribly outdated. Should you be on it? If you are not on my side bar but are in this blogging community, please let me know and I will add you.

I think about you often

Dali

I never intended to have a 3-month break from blogging. I don't actually like being "that" kind of blogger. Just so you all know--I think about you often.

I consider you my friends. My sisters. My very strong yet oh-so-fragile sisters. You share something so intensely personal with me.

A while back I was able to get together with some of my fellow bloggers. It was the most amazing experience. I don't know what their kids' names are. I don't know any of their birth stories. I don't know how they met their husbands. I'm not even sure of some of their last names. Take all that (often ridiculous and repetitive) small talk that goes on at every play date or park day or party and throw it out the window. There's no need for small talk when you can jump straight to conversation that normally hides in the deep corners of your soul.

That's how I feel with all of you here.

That's why I miss you.

Let me tell you where I have been. I may have mentioned my new job (which I LOVE). It keeps me very, very busy. On top of that, my husband and I are team-teaching early-morning seminary this year. Seminary in our religion is a weekday scripture study class for high-school age students. We teach every weekday at 6am. Yes--6am. And we spend every evening preparing for said 6am class. As if that wasn't enough, I also tutor a high-school student. And with two small kids at home, there really isn't much time to sit down and read blog posts let alone comment on them and/or write my own posts.

I have been reluctant to talk about this before because I feel it is one more clue in the mystery of who I am. That someone will come here and put the pieces together. My kids' ages. My pseudonym. That I teach seminary. That I tutor. My husband's endless job search.

Do you know what? WHO CARES?

If someone knows me well enough to put two and two together, then I'm probably okay with them knowing my story. The only reason I don't share who I am publicly is for my husband.  So if he ever decides to tell people about his struggles, I will let him. Until then, if you figure out who I am and you know me, feel free to email me.

And I will leave it at that tonight. To say that I think about you often is an understatement. Sending my love.