Pain
Anger
Self pity
Loss of confidence
Codependence
Trust issues
Shame
Anger (yes, again)
Surge of confidence (I am woman, hear me roar. And don't piss me off or I will bite your head off.)
Detachment
etc.
(Man, I love the surge of confidence days.)
I have talked to many people recently who mention that it's not even the porn that's the issue anymore.
Wait, what? Isn't that why we're all here?
Yes and no. Like I've said before, there are usually deeper problems going on in our marriage and damaging behavior that accompanies the porn.
Lying
Blaming
Manipulation
Apathy
How many times have you heard, "I don't even care about the pornography so much anymore. If only he would just stop manipulating the situation to make me look like the bad guy." "It's not even the pornography that gets to me now. It's the lying that goes along with it."
Sure. The pornography is bad. There is so much ugliness in that industry. But the behavior that accompanies the addiction is perhaps more damaging.
Do you find yourself in this stage?
Yes, yes, yes!!! The lies! The lies! The lies!!!!!! I hate the lies more than anything. I hate that I can't trust him and that he can and does repeatedly lie to my face. The lies are what make me crazy lady. The lies are what makes my heart hurt. The lies are what make sex so hard because I'm constantly wondering and feel so vulnerable, but not in a good way. Do I like the porn? No, I REALLY REALLY DO NOT LIKE THE PORN use. But the lies. Ooooo I hate the lies!
ReplyDeleteMy husband mentioned last night that he felt like a burden was lifted when he told me about his latest setback. Felt like he didn't have to hide anything. He said it was nice to feel that way. I just wish they could all get to that point. And I told him that it's nice to not have to be a crazy lady who checks for gaps in web browser history that might indicate that he deleted a half hour worth of stuff. Yes, I go through those crazy moments. I'm just trying hard to be a safe haven for him when he does want to come to me. I think it's helping.
DeleteIt still matters to me and probably always will. I have been fighting against the industry, so it's like a slap in the face when he relapses.
ReplyDeleteRight now I am on my way to detachment and building confidence...trust issues are still there and co-dependency waxes and wanes. I'm trying to figure it all out. Kind of confused right now.
It's hard. And it's a long process. I'm still not even sure if I'm doing well because I've gotten better at detaching or if I'm doing well because he seems to be doing better. I'm sure it's a little of both. My recommendation is to work hard on the detachment and confidence. The rest will follow.
DeleteAmen to what MM said.
ReplyDeleteI am in "surge of confidence" stage right now, and I often question if I let my guard down, just a little, am I gonna get hit blindsided right square in the face again. I wonder if this stage is in any way making him think I don't care about that anymore or that I'm accepting (since in this stage I tend to have less outbursts and hurts when something pops onto tv). But over all I feel this stage is healthier and makes my own happiness and well being possible.
ReplyDeleteAmen to the blindside worries. I don't think you're making him think it's not a big deal. I think you're working toward creating a safe space for him to be honest with you but also putting your foot down and letting him know what you won't tolerate in a relationship.
DeleteFor me, the most painful part of walking through this addiction with my husband, has been his:
ReplyDeleteLYING, BLAMING, WITHDRAWING, HIDDING THINGS, LACK OF INTIMACY, PROJECTED ANGER (being angry w/ me for sensing when he's acted out in the past & being dead on), HIS SELF-HATRED, ANGER @ himself, ETC...
It's so much more than the pornography itself (don't get me wrong, it's all of that also because it's so damaging & degrading not only to the women on the pages/screen BUT to the men also).
Thank you for your blog (:
It really is so much more than the porn. I think this entire issue opened our eyes to underlying issues we needed to work out in our relationship. Some of those issues are a result of the porn and lying, but many of them are just issues of pride on both our parts that would have been there regardless. But this is making us dig deeper into them.
DeletePain: Yes, the pain. Some days I have just laid on my bed and moaned. Some days it hits me in my solar plexus and I want to vomit. Some days it catches in my throat and I can't eat.
ReplyDeleteAnger: Oh, yes. Anger. And some anger is righteous anger. I have a right to be angry when my husband does things that hurt me and the family when he is supposed to be our protector. I have a right to be angry when he does not act with honesty and integrity and lies to my face. Anger is not necessarily a negative emotion. It usually brings to my attention what is bothering me, and usually, if I give it enough time and patience with myself, brings me back to scripture.
Self pity: Yes, self-pity. "Why me?" I look at other marriages and they seem to have it all together. They seem to have fun with each other and plan life together. I built a house upon the sand and the sand is shifting and sinking and I cannot trust in what I tried to build.
Loss of confidence: What other man would look at a 38 year old mother of two who comes with baggage. Maybe if I were thinner, more professional, a better cook, etc. But that thinking is such a trap! I am beautiful and smart and a wonderful mother and a kick-ass nurse. And then I remember that I have given control of my self-worth over to my husband who is a fallen angel himself and cannot be a source of love and support. That brings me back to God and his unconditional love for me, which some days is all I have.
Codependence: I was first so offended when I read about this term. How dare ANYONE suggest that I want or like to be codependent. And then I had to look at my own behavior and could see that I WAS co-dependent. And THAT insight made me mad - mad at myself for not having the self-respect to kick him to the curb. But I said the marriage vows and they mean something to me. In sickness and in health - nothing about this is mentally healthy. For better or for worse - and just what did I think "worse" meant? So I worked sooooo hard on my own power to fix what was broken - and was gently reminded that this is not my problem to fix and God has his own time frame.
Trust issues: Do I trust him? No. Can I trust him? No. He is a liar. He is good at lying, straight to my face. Is he working on being transparent - I can see him working on it but he still holds onto his demons. No, it will take years before I dare to actually trust him.
Shame: How do you tell your friends and family? This issue isn't like alcoholism. It isn't like he lost his job or developed a psychotic mental illness. He makes the choice to act out, even leaving our bed after denying me intimacy, so that he can act out on his own, alone.
Anger (yes, again): And again and again and again.
Surge of confidence: This actually led me to legally divorce him and go back to grad school. It has protected me and the kids financially and given him space to get healthy or act out as he chooses. But still, I feel the legal system can grant a divorce but God doesn't let me off the hook for my vows. Wierd, huh?
Detachment: Definitely, there are days when I feel numb. Just numb. I have survived his addiction this far and when he acts out, it is getting easier to let it be his problem. The kids and I have lives to lead that cannot be defined by his addiction.
So, yes. It is soooo much more than porn. And the basic foundation of trust in a marriage is completely undermined on a daily basis with a sex addict. And only they can build the trust back, slowly, day by day, by making honest choices and being open and transparent. If they will not, they are still in the addiction and letting Satan have a foothold.
<> to all the wonderful women out there who struggle with this!
Thank you so much.
DeleteHoly crap yes!!!!! So what are we suppose to do with it? I am ready to leave him now because of this and he's been sober for 8 months! And this is worse then the porn, at least with the porn I could point at it and someone listened and agreed they could see it, with the other it feels like its all in your head - and they agree its all in your head.
ReplyDeleteI am a 33 year old BBW. I have been with my now husband for 7 years. I have never been apposed to watching porn. I have a very healthy sexual appetite. Our sex life was incredible for about the first year of our relationship. We rarely watched adult movies but when we did it was a mutual decision. My husband loves porn (magazines, movies and the internet) we are now only having sex maybe 3 times a month. I find porn on his phone off the internet saved all the time. I've been asking for years to please tell me what I can do to make him want me and not porn. He says it got old. I am into many sexual things short of a threesome. That is my deal breaker. I'm losing more self esteem all the time. I try to talk to him, plead with him to stop watching porn for awhile and maybe he will want to have sex with me. He looks at the nastiest things he can find, the more degrading the better. I just cannot compete. He loves big breasted women and unlucky for me I did not grow much in that area. I don't mind him looking at magazines but the saving vids. In his phone kills me. No matter how many times I ask him to please stop it falls on deaf ears. I love him very much and am really not willing to throw in the towel. I feel sad and uncomfortable with myself more and more each day. He works graveyard so I sleep alone 5 days a week. He is at work watching porn all night and he won't even delete it before he comes home. I am so glad I found a site with women in similar situations! I can't talk to friends about it. They will just judge him. How can I make my selfesteem go up and get our sexlife back on track? I know it isn't wrong for me to feel this way. Please help
ReplyDeleteLet me give you a break down of my relationship with my husband. We started dating when he was 14 years old and I was 15. He cheated on me when he was in the 11th grade I know of around 5 girls. We broke up for about a year and then he came back and we started dating again. I was 19 and found out I was pregnant. We got married when my 1st child was 2. We was doing so good then I happen to find out that I was pregnant again all in 4 years time. My last child was born and my husband got a job traveling for a little bit and I found out he cheated again with around 4 girls. So I was over it with him. Since he continued to travel and was aaay from the house it was as if we was seperated. We keep in contact thru it all and I decided to let him back in. Then 3 years later I googled him on the internet and I found him on POF and different dating site. He says it was old but I could not tell. Anyways here we are 9 years later and I see where he looms at porn on his phone almost everyday. He was saving it on his phone till I said something now he saves it on a Flash drive. His Twitter is full of porn stars and girls he don't even know, his FB is full of girls he don't even know. We have had a talk about it and he says he would die if I ever left him or something happen to me. I really don't know what I should feel about this. Any info would be great as to what anyone thinks.
ReplyDeleteMy husband is addicted to porn.i have no one talk to because its embarrassing and when i address him he threatens to leave me.im 5 months pregnant feel cheated out of intimacy and cant make LOVE to him without picturing him masterbating to porn.i feel paralyzed sexually .i feel unattractive.i feel embarrassed and hurt .the titles are just to much for me.mom gives son hand job...makes me sick to my stomach.chubby blow jobs.when i look the girls are everything he doesnt want me to be.he doesn't want me to wear make up.or show any skin ...i cant im destroyed and very heartbroken and fear i cant ever get over this!!! Where do i turn to
ReplyDelete