let's talk about sex

Come on, ladies. Let's get it all out on the table. This topic is huge.

Number 1) Many of us grew up in environments in which sex was a hush-hush topic. Taboo. You don't talk about it. And the only time you did was in church lessons where you were told that sex should be saved for marriage. So the message was conveyed (perhaps inadvertently) that sex and anything related to sex was bad bad bad. Tell me--can you say vagina or clitoris or orgasm or penis or ejaculation out loud without cringing or laughing? No? Can your husband? We are grown adults who can't talk about sex, because it was just something you don't talk about. Not everyone grew up in this environment, but I think it's safe to say that the majority of us did.

Along these lines, lots of young men are exposed to pornography way too young. Some of them avoid it after that. Some of them are addicted right away. And then they have a totally skewed idea of what sex should be. This can lead them to be disappointed in their sex lives right from the start because it wasn't all sparks and fireworks on the wedding night. Porn is purely physical and teaches young men nothing about the emotional side of intimacy.

Both scenarios leave out some important aspects: Sex is a huge part of relationships. Good sex is something that is learned and developed over time. Sex is good. Sex is fun. Sex is not something you should be ashamed or embarrassed to talk about (or do!) with your spouse! You know how people cringe when someone makes a joke or mentions their parents having sex? Well you know what? I hope my parents still have sex and I hope they have fun doing it! Yep. I said it. I hope my parents are happy.

Answer this: Do you think you have a healthy sex life?

Number 2) I know. I know. It's hard to answer that question, because we feel that our problems with our sex lives are a direct result of the addictions our spouses face. How are we supposed to separate the sexual urges our husbands feel toward pornography and their desire to have sex with us? It's a downward spiral. They look at pornography. That makes us feel angry and repulsed and our gut reaction is to not let them touch us. Not let them see us naked. Protect ourselves. Why would we want to share something so sacred as our bodies with someone who looks at other naked women for sexual pleasure? So we are distant. And they try so hard to get close to us again--emotionally and physically. But the more they hug and caress us, the more we try to avoid their touch. And that becomes our excuse for not wanting to have sex. I know you've all gone through this cycle. It's terrible. I go through it all the time.

But let's dig a little deeper. Let's ignore the addiction for a minute. How is your sex life when times are good? Does the excuse not to have sex just change to something else? I'm tired. I'm pregnant. I'm not confident in my postpartum body. I'm bloated. I'm hungry. I ate too much. I haven't shaved. I haven't brushed my teeth. Our house is dirty so we should be cleaning up, not fooling around. I'm stressed about work. I'm grumpy. The list goes on and on and on.

Is the pornography excuse just one more excuse in our big long list of reasons why we don't want to have sex? Don't get me wrong--I think the addiction excuse is probably the most legitimate of all of these, but is there something deeper that we should be working on?

Answer this: If all were right on the addiction front, would you still not want to have sex?

When I'm having sex, I love it. No, really--I do. It's thrilling. The problem is getting past all those millions of excuses when I'm "not in the mood." I'd love to blame it on how the addiction affects me, but I'm smart enough to know that that only escalates an issue that I already have.

Answer this: Have you talked to a counselor about this? Have you had deep conversations with your spouse about this? What wise advice do you have about maintaining a healthy sex life? And what advice do you have for maintaining a healthy sex life with a sex addict?

That last question probably sounded very strange. BUT (barring an abusive relationship) intimacy is an important part of marriage and healthy relationships and should not be abandoned or overlooked in the face of our trials.

Let's hear what you think.

Note: I know that a range of people will read this. Newlyweds, long-term relationships, those struggling with addiction, those who are in or have escaped abusive relationships, or even those who are just here for curiosity's sake. I'd love to hear everyone's perspective. 

{Upcoming topics: nagging, confidence, designating roles, imperfections, and teaching our kids about sex}