Paranoid

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Hi. My name is Mac. And I have bouts of paranoia!

Actually, I'm not that bad anymore. But we all go through it. Take the other night for example. My husband got home before me (which never happens--this set off alarm number 1). His car was home, but he wasn't anywhere to be found. Eventually I found him in bed. (Alarm number 2 goes off.) Why would my husband go to bed at 6pm? I ask him how he's doing. "Just tired." (Alarm number 3--is he really just tired or emotionally unstable??) Then alarms number 4, 5, and 6 go off just because I'm already full swing into the paranoia. So while he was getting out of bed and going to help make dinner, my mood was spiraling down and down and down.

"You're just tired?"

"You sure that's just it?"

"Did you do anything?"

"For sure? Are you telling the truth? For sure? For sure?" (My husband has lied to these questions in the past, so there's always a part of me deep down that thinks if I ask him enough times, he'll spill the beans.)

I tried to resist. I really did.

But when I went back into the room to change into sweats, I found myself doing a quick sweep under the covers, under the bed, in the hamper for any signs of masturbation.

I felt so dumb. I felt like someone else was controlling my body. When did I become this paranoid person trying to catch my husband in the act? If I found something, would it really make any difference? Would it fix anything?

I went back in the kitchen and shared my concerns with my husband.

The look on his face made my heart melt. He hugged me and truly felt terrible for making me worry. He didn't realize that taking a nap in bed as opposed to on the couch would bring all these thoughts flooding into my head. He explained that he had been falling asleep at work so he left a half hour early. He came home and decided to take a quick nap before we got home so that he wouldn't be exhausted all evening, but we came home right after he lied down. Nothing happened. He hadn't even been having tempting thoughts that day. As we talked, it was obvious that he felt so responsible for the fact that I have these kinds of trust issues. He knows it's his fault that I worry like I do.

Sadly, if this had happened in the past, it wouldn't have mattered. If he had been so tired at work that he came home early, I probably would have told him to keep sleeping. I would have made dinner, gotten the kids in bed, and then snuggled into bed with him. I would have been concerned about the fact that he was tired. Instead I made him get up and did a sweep of the bedroom, half expecting to catch him lying to me.

It breaks my heart that this is plaguing our relationship.

That's what happens when addiction and lies enter a relationship. We stop taking care of each other and only focus on the addiction. Tired husbands lie down for a nap and wake up to the Inquisition. Wives come home happy and are triggered into paranoia by something as innocent as a nap.

I'm working on the paranoia. Most of the time I'm great. But remind me of the lying and I turn into a mess. We're working on it. He's slowly learning what triggers my emotional scars and I'm slowly learning to trust him.

What do you do to keep yourself from being paranoid like this? Have you gotten to the point in your battle where you can let things go and be more calm about it? I am WAY better than I used to be. How are you doing?

{Tomorrow's post: Being a Control Freak Fixes Nothing}