I'm a wife dealing with her husband's addiction to pornography. I hope to be a resource for wives (and family members) dealing with similar struggles. Please join in the conversation and leave comments--even if you are here for curiosity's sake and are just learning about this kind of struggle! You can read my story here and the 4 things I think every addict's wife should know here.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Does your husband hate talking about it?

Sonny Rollins by Jimmy Katz  (Source)

Of course they hate talking about it. Do you like owning up to something stupid you did and then having someone bring it up over and over? Of course not.

BUT the communication needs to be there. Heck, the key to ANYTHING being healthy in a relationship is communication. (Honesty being an integral part of communication.) Wouldn't you agree?

I know I have mentioned this before, but I want to put it out there again for anyone who missed it.

I think a SUPER easy tip for improving communication about pornography addiction is designating a time and place to discuss it each week.

Here is how it works at my house.

Together we designated 8pm on Sunday evenings (after the kids were in bed) to talk about things. The understanding was that we would talk about the following things:

  • How his week went in terms of the addiction (temptation, urges, slips, etc.). 
  • How he is doing emotionally (in general in life).
  • How I am doing emotionally (in terms of my healing as well as in general in life).
And these are the things that have made it so successful:
  • He is in charge of starting the conversation and he knows it. Because he knows it is his responsibility, he has only forgotten once in the past few months since we started.
  • I go into the conversation with an open, loving, and non-judgmental mind. No animosity allowed. It needs to be a safe place for both of us. Expect the worst to come out, be prepared (and committed!) to be okay with it and react in a kind way, and then be pleasantly surprised if it's nothing but good news.
  • Both people share how they are doing emotionally in general. It's a good time to really check in with each other. (It was in one of these conversations that I admitted that my testimony of our religion was seriously wavering. It doesn't all have to be about pornography. There is so much more to life that needs to be discussed between husband and wife.)
  • I tried not to bring it up the rest of the week. A wonderful friend of mine pointed out that we tend to stew over things in our minds and then bring them up to our unsuspecting spouses. It seems normal since we were "talking" about it in our own minds first, but to our spouse it comes from left field. My husband's personality is not one that switches gears at the drop of a hat. He needs to be mentally prepared for a conversation. He needs to be in the midset. Expecting him to suddenly be able to talk about it when two seconds earlier you were asking him to pass you the salt is putting a lot of pressure on him. For the first few weeks, try not to bring it up during the week. Once he becomes more comfortable discussing the addiction and his emotions during your weekly chats, he will naturally become more comfortable discussing it at other times.
  • Keep it relatively short. After a month or two my husband admitted that I always draw these conversations out longer than he wants. I remind him that I have to push the envelope a little until he's truly comfortable talking about it, but I also admit that I don't want to make him dread these conversations. Don't make them last all night.
This has really improved our communication in our marriage in general. Really. If your husband thinks having designated talk time sounds strange, ask him to come read this blog post. Talking about it once a week in a "safe" conversation will be SO much of a relief if he's constantly on edge that you're going to bring it up and "beat a dead horse," as Faithfully Jaded's husband called it.

Dear Men: Trust me. Your life will get better if you learn to talk about it. And I don't just mean your addiction will get better. I mean your every day interactions with your wife will get better. Learn to talk about it for the sake of your own happiness.


  1. Funny how we're all kind of on the same page. I've been talking to so many people about this. Husbands hate HATE talking about it. I have some friends who did the same thing you did. They even had alarms set on their phones. I helped a lot.

    At our house...we talk about it all the time. Now he's used to it and can face it. It's just like talking about the weather. Of course, sometimes it gets a little heated, but that's usually because of me. So I try and simmer down a bit and keep it open.

  2. I think I need to bring this up. so many times I will want to talk but I don't want to start a fight. maybe if we did have a time set aside we would both be prepared to avoid fighting and just talk things through.

  3. Yeah, I think we fit the pattern, it was hard at first, he drug his feet and sometimes got defensive and irrational. But now we talk about it like the weather, sometimes when we're in public I catch myself, because it just comes up.

  4. You women amaze me... Seriously! I can't relate but wow oh wow do I admire the HE** out of you... (you can look at the as HECK but the stars are really a double L's) hah!

  5. My husband still doesn't enjoy talking about it, obviously :-), but he's getting much more willing too. I'm trying not to 'take advantage' of that fact and not overwhelming our every conversation with the topic :-) But it's slowly getting there, ever since he realized that me coming and talking to him was actually a sign that I, on some level, trust him. He's using the opportunities to talk (no matter how painful) as little ways to make up for all the lies, to give me reasons to trust him again. It took awhile for him to get here though . . .