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So on with the "What I've Learned" series. I'm convinced these posts will go on for a very long time since this is a life-long learning process. Isn't that just life in general? I think it is.
I have learned that healing takes work. Actual work. Carving out time during the day to work through our 12-step workbooks from our Support Groups. (Haven't been to a loved-ones-of-addicts support group yet? Let me know and I'll help you look up one in your area or send you a PDF of the manual. Trust me. You need them. Even if your loved one's addiction is "mild." And they aren't scary. Really. They aren't. And it won't matter if you run in to someone you know. Remember? If they are there, they are going through the same thing.)
So how do I know that healing takes daily work?
Because I haven't been doing it.
You were expecting me to say that I know because I've been there and worked hard every day and healed, weren't you? I'm sorry to say that just isn't the case. I go to Group once a week. I pray with my husband. We have weekly talks about his progress (and my progress). But I do not do my "homework" outside the support group meetings. I only open the manual once a week during the group meeting.
The other day one of my group members shared the parable of the two monks. The story goes that two monks were walking and came to a river that they needed to cross. A woman was also at the river and needed help crossing. The problem, you see, was that the monks had sworn an oath not to touch women. Regardless, the elder monk picked up the woman and carried her across. All the way back to the monastery, the younger monk seethed at the fact that the elder had broken his oath. When he couldn't hold it in any longer, he confronted the elder monk, who responded, "Yes. I picked her up and carried her across. Then I put her down. You, my friend, are still carrying her around." (You can find a list of variations on the parable here.)
This parable really touched my heart. You see, my husband has been doing very well with his recovery. But each time he shares this with me in our weekly chats, I can't even bring myself to be happy for him. Instead I say something like, "I wish I could believe you, and I want to, but I still have trust issues."
Do I actually think he has gone 7 months without a problem? Yeah. I do. Things have been very different this time around on many different levels. I'm proud of him.
Do I think it's okay to hold back a tiny bit and not trust him 100%? Yeah. I do. I'm okay with the fact that it will take a long time for my trust to come back fully.
However, what really hit me about this parable is that I'm not helping him or celebrating his progress in any way, because I am clinging to the fact that it will take a long time for me to heal, but I'm not doing anything to work toward my own healing! I am still carrying around the woman that he is trying so hard to put down. And I'm throwing it in his face every week that I'm still carrying her around because he picked her up in the first place.
Sure, healing may take a long time, but healing will never take place if I don't put my own work into it.
If I want to put the "woman" down, I need to do the work. I need to take some quiet time to myself every day to really work through my steps.
How about you? Do you work on your steps outside of your group meeting?
Great parable and how appropriate for this pornography problem in marriage. I have been feeling allot like this too. Holding on to his issue even when he is working so hard to shake free of it. thank you for your insights. very helpful.
ReplyDeleteAnd especially the idea that we don't have to hold onto it regardless of whether he is working hard or holding onto it. I know that's a REALLY hard concept to grasp and even harder to actually do.
DeleteThis was so great. I have done this too. I go through phases where I am really actively working on myself and then at other times, I give up and hold onto the anger. When I do that, I find that the trust I have finally gained back starts to dissipate, I get fearful, and things get worse between us. This is such a great perspective to have...it really is so important...now...to do it...
ReplyDeleteAt least you have times when you're actively working on it! I can't even say that!
DeleteStepwork is sure easy to let drop behind all the other demands of life. In the past I would let it lapse for a while and then dive back in when we hit a relapse cycle. I've worked to change that by scheduling twice a week to work on it, but I am still going at a very slow pace. Having a sponsor helps tremendously because I try to be courteous of her time and not drag this out indefinitely.
ReplyDeleteWhat do you ladies think about time spent blogging and reading blogs? Does this "count" as stepwork?
I LOVE this blogging community. Really. But this is connecting with people. Healing through reaching OUT. Step work is healing through reaching IN and UP. They are all so so so valuable. I have just concentrated on healing within by reaching out. The steps will help me with healing withing by reaching up, and that's what's lacking in my progress.
DeleteAgreed. I do a lot of writing when (not often) I do my step work, but it's not the same as what I'm writing here. This is reaching out not in. Maybe if I had a blog of stepwork - I'm might be too chicken to share all of that though....not a bad idea.
DeleteI work on my step work when my sponsor calls and asks when we can meet! lol just kidding, kind of. Sometimes I find myself drawn to it, like lately. And other times I don't. Sometimes I'll go weeks without picking up my book. Seriously, I've been working the steps for a year and I'm only on step 6! I think, just like you've written in this post, that we have a realization that we need to change something. And we might have that realization more than once before we act on it. No reason to feel bad or guilty. This is the way life works. In fact, this might be one of the steps....yep, i checked, it's step 6--being willing to have our character weaknesses removed :)
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely. Goes back to the idea that people will change when THEY realize it's time to change. And I'm realizing it's time to work on the steps. (Yet here I am blogging instead. I just miss you guys after such a long hiatus!)
DeleteWhat an awesome analogy, thanks for sharing. I've been going to meetings for 7 months and I'm still on Step 4. I think those first few months were just so full of absorbing and coping and surviving, I finally feel like I have the strength to tackle the "work" part of the 12 steps. They sustained me for awhile, I read and read, but now I'm finally able to take the action. It feels good, in a painful sort of way. Like the brutal massage that you practically suffer through, because when it's done your body feels so different, so much better. Like they say in the manual, it's that sliver gradually, painfully working its way to the surface and then when it comes out it is such a relief.
ReplyDeleteI'm still on Step 2. :) Love the analogy of the massage. It is painful sometimes, right? Speaking of painful, remind me to blog about how I completely put my foot in my mouth the other night and really hurt my husband's feelings. Speaking of painful. Add that to my list of things I need to write in my personal inventory...
Deleteouch. this analogy hurts - which probably means I need it. *sigh*
DeleteHere's my question, my husband says that he hasn't looked at pornography in almost five years, and I believe him, but I still have issues with trust and with what this has done to our marriage. I never went to a support group. Do you think I still need that? Could it help me get over my issues with the whole thing? I just want to be happy in my marriage again.
ReplyDeleteYes! Yes, yes, yes. I've come to realize that the things you learn and explore in the support group meetings apply to SO much more in our lives. I feel like what I'm learning will help me be a better parent as well. It's amazing how healing really happens from within. It's when we really dig deep and fix ourselves inside that we have more love for those around us. If you're still hurting inside, go to the meetings. You can go as much or as little as you want, but I say give it a try.
DeleteSorry for topping old posts, but I have just discovered this blog.
ReplyDeleteThis speaks to me in soo many ways. I keep telling myself I am not going to start working the steps or do any reading, etc, until he gets clean. I have been told in meetings that time spent on myself is not time wasted. Even if he never gets clean, I can get better. I think I have resentment holding me back too. I want to say that I wouldn't be this messed up if he hadn't spent 4+ years lying to me-but I know that's not true. I've been codependent all along. I just thought it was the only way to hold onto this relationship.
I find myself "putting her down" occasionally, and it feels good, but so does b*tching about still carrying her. I know that pain and that mistrust so well! I find it incredibly difficult to encourage or support him. I don't want to feel taken advantage of or disrespected-but I guess that is what I am doing to him.