I was struck by this post on A Cup of Joe today. Judging by the 250-and-counting comments, it looks like a popular topic in general, but what really struck me about the post was the conversation she had with her husband about men not crying. That they are taught from a very young age (through comments and teasing from other kids) that boys do not cry. Boys do not show weakness. Boys do not show "mushy" emotion.
Fast forward 10, 15, 20 years. Boys do not know how to express themselves.
Am I making a generalization? Sure. Is this true of all boys? No. But is it true of many? Yes.
I have seen my husband cry about 3 or 4 times in almost a decade that we've known each other. (I wrote about that here.) However, not once has my husband let himself cry in front of me when he admits his mistakes. The only time he did was after the fact in expressing relief that I didn't blow up at him. Otherwise he is stoic. Does not break down. Does not show any remorse emotionally. In fact, he barely even shows any emotion. Says the minimal words necessary in those conversations and then moves on. It makes me hurt for him.
Made me think of Scabs' post today. Even as her husband was cracking inside and about to burst, he gives a 5-word response and then silence.
Even Leo over at Master Myself Master the World mentioned today that he was uncomfortable blogging (i.e. sharing his emotions in writing, even anonymously), referring to it as a "woman thing." And that makes sense. I don't blame him for thinking that way. We teach boys (through our actions, our movies, our culture, our words) that emotional matters are women stuff. That showing emotion is effeminate.
Why are we raising our boys and men to hold it all in? Why are we teaching them that to be a man you can't cry? Can't release your emotion? Can't show others that you are hurting? Gender roles make me so angry sometimes. So angry.
personally i hate the fact that we aren't allowed to cry. I have cried alone with so much frustration and rage on MANY occasions. We cry. We do. We just do it alone. I want to scream from the pulpit at church sometimes how I hurt. What would happen?? rejection? or would people actually care? i'm not married so what do i know..
ReplyDeleteYou rock, Warrior. Thanks for your comment. I can't speak for everyone, but it helps me to even to see a little peek into a man's vulnerability like this. You don't have to scream from the pulpit. Sometimes just a comment on a public forum is enough. Or at least a start.
Deletecrying is cool
DeleteSorry it has taken me so long to respond on here. Warrior--I wish more men wouldn't be afraid to show their vulnerability. Even on the pulpit. Especially at the pulpit. I think we all want to appear so strong in front of others, but I think men take it to another level. It's what's expected of them in a way. Thank you for sharing here.
DeleteHow interesting, Mac. It is a hot topic I guess. I heard a radio pastor talk about the same topic in a "family minute" on the Christian radio station on the way home from my shrink on Wed. night. (Yes, people, I am in THAT stage of life ... radio pastor, Christian station, shrink ... just trying to keep my head above water these days)
ReplyDeleteOh, Angel. I've come to realize that being in THAT stage of life isn't as pathetic as I used to think. I listen to church talks on the way to work every day. I used to think that was lame. Now I soak it up. I had a friend who mentioned that she wasn't really into Mara and Danny's A Blog About Love. She said it was okay "for people who need that kind of thing." And I laughed inside and thought, "Trust me. We all need that kind of thing. You just haven't hit that point in your life yet." Ha.
DeleteI can already see the stigma perpetuating, my father-in-law did not like it when his boys cried, so my husband is the same way. "Quit yer cryin'" or "I'll give you something to cry about." I try to gently remind him crying is okay, being sad is okay, expressing emotion is MORE THAN OKAY.
ReplyDeleteJane--I've been trying lately to say things to my son like, "It's okay to cry. It's okay to be sad. Let's talk about what happened." I'm glad I'm learning these lessons now while he's young.
DeleteI am fairly emotional for a man (though, like Warrior, I don't usually let others see that), but when I was deep in addiction, I didn't cry. In fact, I didn't feel much of anything - by design (at least subconsciously). Addiction is an escape, and I'm guessing for many, like me, it's a way not to feel the sadness and pain, or stress and rejection, or you-name-it emotional baggage. The problem is (or one of the problems!), it makes you numb to most everything else, too.
ReplyDeleteI try to remind myself that my addiction is a symptom of the disease, not the disease itself. And if I'm only ever trying to treat the symptoms, I'm never going to heal.
This is very very interesting, Anonymous. Really. I hadn't thought much about it making you numb to everything. Our bishop mentioned to my husband that his ability to love was greatly diminished by this and that as he rid his life of it, his ability to love would increase exponentially. I think this whole "numb" idea has a lot to do with that. Thank you for sharing.
Deleteit is scary to raise sons because of this. We need to teach and encourage our sons to show his emotions so he can learn to control them in a positive way. After all I think that is what helps perpetuate a Mans addictions, never learning to control their feelings.
ReplyDeleteAgreed! You need to first recognize that you have feelings before you know what to do with them.
DeleteThis adds yet another layer to what I think is important in the "helping children to avoid addiction" category. What are some practical things parents can do to help create a safe place for their kids to talk about emotions and hard things?
ReplyDeleteIn my home, it was a monthly interview with Dad. I loved that. In our home, I love using bedtime as a decompress time. We also try to build in a lot of one-on-one time whenever we can. We do a lot of divide-and-conquer so that each child can have some time with each of us. "Who wants to come to the store with Mom?" "Who wants to go pick up pizza with Dad?"
I think an easy trap to fall into as parents is to want kids to squelch emotions for OUR sake, rather than help them learn to identify and then deal in healthy ways with emotions.
If any of you have any thoughts on practical ways you help your kids, I'd love to do a post on this topic at hopeandhealinglds.com. Email at hopeandhealinglds a' gmail.
I would love to see a post about raising children in a way that helps them avoid addiction. Keeping them sheltered from everything in the world isn't the way (yet it's the approach I feel many take by default). And I'm intrigued by the idea of the monthly interview with Dad. Can you share more about that?
DeleteI recommend "Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child" by John Gottman. I am reading it right now and it is helping me help my children, and my husband is very interested in learning the techniques of "emotional intelligence" as well so that he can learn to express his emotions, and learn that even "negative" emotions are not "bad" (anger, sadness, fear, etc) and that learning how to name them, accept them, and address them can be done without compromising his "manhood"
ReplyDelete