I'm a wife dealing with her husband's addiction to pornography. I hope to be a resource for wives (and family members) dealing with similar struggles. Please join in the conversation and leave comments--even if you are here for curiosity's sake and are just learning about this kind of struggle! You can read my story here and the 4 things I think every addict's wife should know here.

Monday, June 4, 2012

Does it every really get better for anyone?

This next week is going to be very busy, but I’m committed to blogging more after this crazy week ends. I miss you guys. Here are my latest thoughts:

I think these are often the biggest questions on all of our minds: Is this going to get better? Will this ever go away? Will I still be dealing with this in 2 years? 5 years? 10? 30? Not gonna lie--these questions kind of make me sick.

We wonder where the success stories are. Do any marriages actually survive sex addiction? Sometimes it seems like we’re all here suffering together but the success stories are few and far between. Or maybe even absent.

So I want to share our progress with you. I don’t know what’s going to happen with us. I don’t know if things will keep going in the right direction, but this is where we are:

I am happy. Things are good.

My husband has been doing well for about 8 months. He goes to group meetings faithfully. He initiates prayer with me every evening. (Have I told you how we structure our prayers at night? If not, I will.) We pray as a family with our boys almost every morning.

He listens to spiritual talks on his way to work. He talks to me openly about his addiction (answers questions I have about his past, how he’s doing, if he has felt tempted). Is the communication perfect? Of course not. But it is getting better.

He is okay with me telling people about his addiction. He’s not exactly thrilled about it, but he understands that it is important for my healing to have a support group. And he is starting to also see that I am now reaching out to other people not necessarily for my own healing, but to bring them into the fold as well. He understands that my telling people has nothing to do with him; it’s about the women connecting and supporting each other.

I am starting to trust him. Our sex life is getting better. I am less codependent. I am letting him take charge of his life. His career. His addiction. His responsibilities.

I am happy.

Are things perfect? No. Is the addiction gone? No. Do I react perfectly to everything he does and treat him with perfect love? Heck no. I’m not perfect, people.

But things are good right now. They are moving in the right direction.

This hasn’t been a fast process. This is 8 years in the making. And it’s a work in progress. But I want you to know that it’s possible. We’re not a success story yet and things can change any time, but it can get better.


  1. Ten years later I have learned to change my definition of success. In the beginning success was controlling and changing the behavior of my husband. It was him never slipping or returning the behavior.

    A decade later success is allowing the atonement to heal me from the things I never thought I'd get over. It's not allowing the choices of anyone - not even my husband - change the way I feel about myself or the relationship I have with Heavenly Father. Success is having a strong knowledge that Heavenly Father loves me and that I am living the life He wants me to (which, as it turns out, is so different from what I thought it would be, but so beautiful in an unexpected way as Heavenly Father has blessed me through these unexpected trials). Success is being best friends with my husband, despite all the bad things we've been through and despite all the hurt and pain I suffered through his choices. Success is having a neighbor get surprised to hear that you've been married for ten years because you "still act like newlyweds" and are "so obviously in love". Having a mutual respect and love exist in a relationship that was plagued by sexual addiction once seemed impossible to me. But it isn't.

    Like you, I am currently in a phase where things are headed in the right direction. It's blissful and wonderful. But I've seen the good and I've seen the good slip away. In my case the answer to those early questions unfortunately was yes - 2 years, 3 years, 5 years and 10 years later we are still dealing with this. But in a way that is unimaginable to me, it has all been worth it. The atonement is an amazing thing.

    1. JLS--I loved this. I feel like I'm getting to that point as well. I assume we will still be dealing with this in 30 years. I wish that weren't the case, but I think it is. That doesn't scare me as much anymore, though. My perspective on things is changing and I'm becoming stronger. Thank you for sharing your wonderful words of wisdom!

  2. Mac, I'm very bothered by that question every now and then as well. I feel so bad for the wives. so much uncertainty. so much powerlessness. I have been amazed at how much the women talk about their own recovery and healing and freedom. I wish there were more examples of awesome couples myself. I would love to hear what they have done. My sponsor has 2 years of solid sobriety and still goes to meetings often and still considers himself a complete addict. ONE. DAY. AT. A. TIME. Life can only be lived a day at a time.

    1. One day at a time is right, Warrior. You have done a great job of articulating that on your blog (which, but the way, is so helpful to the women since you give us a glimpse into your mind). I think these questions bother all of us, addicts and loved ones alike. Maybe we can get JLS to share more of her story with us... :)

  3. YES!! I have to believe I can be better and he can be better and then we can be better!

    High Five!

    1. Sorry to leave you hanging. High Five! ;) I'm with you, Scabs. We can be better.

  4. Hey, girlie. I just wanted to let you know, I have entered this post onto my magic time machine (*cue mysterious sci fi music*) lol. Hope that's okay with you. Especially after I just read the next one. Oh well. Check out my setup, if you haven't already. See what you think. Help me spread the word?