I'm a wife dealing with her husband's addiction to pornography. I hope to be a resource for wives (and family members) dealing with similar struggles. Please join in the conversation and leave comments--even if you are here for curiosity's sake and are just learning about this kind of struggle! You can read my story here and the 4 things I think every addict's wife should know here.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Attacked from all angles

source

The last two days have been a struggle for me. I texted Jane today to vent, and she suggested that Satan's usual tricks aren't working on me so he had to come at me from a different angle. Ha! I love it. That girl keeps me sane.

So let me tell you about the last two days.

Monday morning: Pity party. (Yes. Even Mac has pity parties.) Let me share the thoughts that periodically run around in my head: Sometimes I wonder if Mr. Mac really likes me. Sure, he loves me--I'm his wife; the mother of his children. But does he like me? Does he think I'm fun? Does he like being around me? If we met right now, would he ask me out and pursue me like he did way back when? On Monday I happened to look back at the text messages on my phone and realized that of the 5 texts I had sent him in the previous 4 days (including 2 that morning), he had only responded to one. Nothing like big fat silence to make you feel loved during the day, huh? I wanted to send some rude comment like, "Feel free to respond to my texts once in a blue moon." Instead I took a deep breath, ranted a bit to Jane, and felt much better. (I later subtly asked if he received my texts and immediately he started responding to me and continued all day--even joking with me over text. Things aren't always as we make them out to be.)

Monday evening: Body images takes a crash. We watched a movie. The girl in the movie was gorgeous. Sexy? Yes. But not just sexy--all around adorable. Later that night we got a bit frisky, but all I could do in my mind was see the girl from the movie. All I could think about was my belly skin that used to be so tight before I had kids and was now hanging in strange directions. And my acne that I'm sure will never go away no matter how old I get. And that I hadn't shaved--neither legs nor whooha. (My tiny boobs didn't even cross my mind. Good thing, too, because that may have been the straw that broke the camel's back.) My mind was racing. I could see this ending badly. Me bursting into tears in front of a husband who wasn't aware of the battle going on in my head and was just happy to be with me. But... BUT... I gave it everything I had (Mentally, people! Get your minds out of the gutter!) and pushed those thoughts out of my head. And I succeeded. That was a hard one, my friends. I've always had a decent self image, so this caught me off guard and took a lot of will power.

Tuesday (today): I had lunch with my coworkers (love those girls) and the topic turned to trusting your partner/husband. They oozed trust and confidence and love. I heard them saying things that used to come out of my mouth, "I don't care what he does. I trust him." "Why would I need to give him permission to go somewhere? When you trust each other, it's a non-issue." "It doesn't matter if we're halfway across the world from each other--we both know neither of us would do anything questionable." "I'm not worried about him going to Vegas. What? He'll go to a strip club with the guys? I don't care. I know him well enough to know that he's not going to take a girl home. We trust each other." I didn't feel the need to say something about how they should be careful because you just never know. Instead I wanted to start sobbing because I used to have that kind of trust in my husband. I used to have that. Now I wonder what he's doing with his time and I get nervous about his female coworkers. It's ridiculous. This is no way to live. I miss the trust.

When did I become this broken woman? Where did my confidence go? Where did the trust go? Who in the world wants to live this way? Not I, said the Mac. Not I. But this is where the road of life has taken me. And there are so many other lovely things along this road of life that I can handle these things.

Satan, if you were standing in front of me right now, I'd punch you in the face. Quit bugging me. I have better things to do in life and refuse to let you bring me down anymore this week.

15 comments:

  1. Sorry for the bad days (don't they just SUCK when you've been feelin' good for awhile!), but I LOVE your attitude! Thanks for sharing!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That attitude takes some SERIOUS will power. But I feel like the more I do it, the better I get. And I'm not just burying my feelings. I'm processing them and choosing how to respond. I like that I'm getting better at it. Still have hard days, though.

      Delete
  2. Me too. I'm leaving mr scabs home alone wed-sunday. It's a long time. I dont normally feel anxious...but I'm starting too. It feels terrible to have such mistrust for someone so deeply entrenched in your life. The feeling is sickening.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Absolutely. I know this response is coming WAY late, but I hope you were able to enjoy your time away.

      Delete
  3. This is the part of being a girl that is so incomprehensible to men. One day, we could feel so empowered and confident, and the next we feel unsure and cautious. I totally agree that Satan is so good at trying out different tactics to weaken us.

    As for the trust thing... YES! I know that feeling as well, and I hate it! But as long as you trust yourself, YOU will always be okay. Sometimes I feel like that's all I have is knowing that I believe in myself, that I am predictable to myself, and I will be happy within myself. Then it's like I assume some sort of control back over the waning trust with another.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The thing that sucks is that I trust myself, but I WANT to trust so badly in others. "I deserve to be able to trust my husband." Ah, how many times has that crossed my mind? I trust myself. Everything else can fall into place (or go to hell). Either way, I can trust myself.

      Delete
  4. I love you Mac... Push these negative thoughts far far away... easier said than done.... I know.

    You are beautiful and resilient!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Push em back, push em back, waaaay back...

      Delete
  5. You are my hero, Mac. Want to borrow my boxing gloves?

    ReplyDelete
  6. Excellent post. I hear ya on the body image issues. Most times it's not an issue, but every now and then I just feel deeply ugly!

    Also, I'm sorry, but I expect my husband to tell me exactly where he is all the time. We trust each other, but that's part of the reason why - we always tell each other where we are. I would NEVER say, "Oh, he doesn't need to tell me anything." Umm, hell yes, he needs to tell me stuff! I would have hit those girls over the head! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Tamra! "...every now and then I just feel deeply ugly." Yep. Today was one of those days for me. Terrible, scarred skin. Too much hair on my body. Haven't been working out enough. Couldn't care less if I do my hair. Ugh. Here's to tomorrow, right?

      I'm not sure they were saying that their husband doesn't have to tell them where he went/what he did, but that they don't have to be the one giving permission. He doesn't have to ask before he goes. Chances are she trusts that he's honest about where he's going and what he does. I think that was more the gist of the conversation. (As opposed to girls who say, "What?? You LET him go to Vegas?" Her response is that he doesn't need her permission--she trusts he won't do anything bad regardless of where he goes. At least that was my take on it. (Although I did love your "hell yes" and referencing hitting them over the head...) :)

      Delete
  7. I love that line about punching Satan in the face. He totally deserves it and more.
    And thanks for posting at good times and bad, it helps me see that it's ok that some days I hold it together and some days I fall apart. I get you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yep. Mac has bad days, too. I'll be sure to post next time as well. In fact, maybe I'll post tonight!

      Delete
  8. I love your honesty! You are a breath of fresh air! I'd love to punch Satan in the face too...I'll join ya!!!!!!!!!!!! I have so been there way too many times with the broken trust & the wandering thoughts during intimate moments. You are not alone my sister on the journey. You ARE strong & inspiring!

    ReplyDelete