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But at the same time, I didn't. It really does get better. YOU get better.
Let me explain. For the past 8 months, I've been using phrases like "as far as I know" and "Could he still be lying? Yes." I'm no fool. Or maybe I should say it this way: my gut is no fool. I did a little snooping. The record isn't 100% clean. I'm not actually surprised. Disappointed? Sure. Angry? Only a teeny bit. Sad? Nope. Crazy? Oh thank goodness--no!
You see, I'm finding the names of web sites and laughing out loud. I'm not even kidding. How do they come up with these cheesy names? I think you know you're on the healing path when the reaction in your mind moves from life shattering to recognizing that it's all ridiculously absurd and pitiful. It's the dishonesty that hurts. The porn itself is just absurd.
I actually do think that my husband is doing better. But the honesty is not there yet.
Regardless of his recovery successes or failures, I have gotten better. And YOU can get better. When you work on healing yourself, what they do just doesn't matter as much any more. Yes, it still sucks. Yes, it still makes you question the future. But I know I'll be fine. And knowing that is HUGE. It's huge.
You're right. it IS absurd isn't it?
ReplyDeleteYep.
Deleteit is nice when you can be disappointed, and roll your eyes. instead of being over come with heart break and pain. And Absurd is the perfect word for what Pornography is. Absurd!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness, it is SO nice. I'm not sure I ever thought I'd get to this point. I have all you ladies to thank for much of my path in getting here.
DeleteI second (or third) the absurd! :-)
ReplyDeleteI am glad to hear you're doing so well -- I love this feeling of my own healing and my focus on getting myself right and not just stressing all the time about where he's at, it really is freeing.
I love your attitude! Hugs!
SO freeing. I felt like a huge burden was taken off my shoulders when I started just focusing on me and letting him worry about his recovery. Thank you, Step 1!
DeleteI don't deserve you, but thanks for sticking with me. I love you!
ReplyDeleteDeserve me? Maybe not. ;) Stuck with me? For sure. You're my BFF. I love you, too!
DeleteI read your two last posts in tandem, and while the first was an awesome story of recovery and hope, the second post revealed the real recovery depth and what it means to recover as a spouse.
ReplyDeleteI also question, "how much longer?" way more than I should.
Yesterday was a disclosure day, as was the day before, and I feel remarkably well. I've learned so much about detaching, and asking the Lord for help with problems within the sphere of my own agency. The way I feel now gives me the courage to face whatever I need to in the future. I don't feel afraid. And that is so refreshing!
I've been writing my back story and looking back, I was such a wreck in those early days! Granted I didn't have resources or support people to help me along, but I turned into basket case after every single confession. I'm so grateful to be in a place now where I know that truly, whatever he chooses, I will be ok.
"I don't feel afraid. And that is so refreshing!" Getting to this point is huge. I agree--I haven't felt afraid in a long time. I know that things could take a turn for the worse and it could ruin our marriage, but I don't stress out about it anymore. Some things are out of my control. I'm so glad to hear how far you have come, Marlee! PS--Perhaps we should get together this summer since you don't live that far away!
DeleteHaha yes! What a break from everything to just laugh at it!
ReplyDeleteI hope you're getting to that point, too. It makes life easier. Love you!
DeleteIncredible. Guess I'm not there yet. I can't wait to be though and this post gives me hope.
ReplyDeleteI wasn't there for the last 8 years. And who knows? Maybe I'll be a basket case again in a couple of years. But for now, I'm figuring it out. Stick with it. There is hope.
Deletemore ditos on the absurd. And laughing at the ridiculousness of it all is sometimes the best way to cope. It's hilariously disgusting, right?
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely. And I know (and you know) that the laughing we're doing now isn't a way to brush it under the rug and pretend like it doesn't affect us. It's a very real realization that the underlying issues are the real problem. The manifestations are the absurd. Right?
DeleteOi. I'm sorry - and glad you're laughing. But yeesh, do you think he'll ever know that it's easier (better?) to just tell?
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure, Mrs. A. But I sure hope so. Some day. At this point, he knows it's easier and better, but can't quite convince himself to follow through. Some day. Some day.
DeleteYou are an amazing, amazing woman, and an inspiration to those around you. Do you know that? You laughed? You LAUGHED??? Go you. You rock. That's all I have to say.
ReplyDeleteI laughed. I know. Sounds crazy. I rolled my eyes and laughed and sent him a text message politely asking him to "cut the crap." He's working through his own issues, and hopefully I'm helping him with that, but letting go of my own issues is proving to be quite refreshing.
DeleteHow do you deal with if you find something you can't even begin to compete with. For instance in my case it was "barely legal lesbians". I am not "barely legal" nor am I willing to ever do anything with a woman for his benefit. So where does this leave us? This is evident ally something he's into, and something very hard for me to get my head around.
ReplyDeleteAlso, when I asked what's driving him to porn. His answer was he doesn't fully know himself but he enjoys looking at hoo has.. . Confused since I DO have one of those, but mine isn't good enough or what? I don't know how to help him, do you have any advice?
The fact that it's "barely legal" had me thinking he prefers the tight pre children baring bodies. I will never have that again. I don't know what to do, please help.