Do you think, "Oh! I'm so happy for Mac!"?
Or do you think, "Ugh. I don't want to hear about her doing well. My life is crap right now. Shut up."?
Be honest with yourself.
A year ago I would have probably leaned toward the former but with tiny voices in the background yelling the latter. If my situation had been really bad, I'd probably lean almost entirely toward the latter.
I know some of you are. Don't lie.
So the question is: does this mean I'm out of the club?
I was chatting with a friend the other day about this. If my husband is doing well and in recovery and I'm felling really mentally healthy, am I out of the club until lying creeps into our marriage again and I have another meltdown? Because it kind of seems that way.
Survivor's guilt. You know you've all felt it at some point or another.
But the truth is that I've been there. I've felt the pain. I've felt the hopelessness. I've longed for something better. I've felt sick over what he's looked at. I've had harsh thoughts towards women on the street with amazing bodies. I've been paranoid about internet use, browser history, his coworkers.
And it can all come back in an instant. That's what's scary.
Am I doing well because I'm a stronger person and am in a better place mentally? Or am I doing well because my husband is doing well and I'm unaware of how codependent I really am?
I'd say it's 60% stronger, 40% codependent. Maybe 70/30. Maybe. I'd love to say 90/10, but I can't know that until the next relapse. I'll be sure to keep you posted. ;)
I love this. I wonder this same thing about myself. Do I feel happy today because my husband has been sober for 5ish months and is working his recovery REALLY hard or because I am working my own REALLY hard?
ReplyDeleteI hope I never find out. But, if I do, there is support for me.
Amen, Harriet. My husband is quite realistic and reminds me that he has had months of no temptation in the past, so we're pretty aware that this could just be a phase. But we've worked so much on our communication that I really think the next time will be better for both of us.
DeleteI feel like the club NEEDS survivors too. Because when my life is going to pot, it's nice to see that there is potentially a light at the end of the tunnel. At least that is where I am today. It's not always been this way and I may feel differently tomorrow. Or in 5 minutes. ;)
ReplyDeleteAgreed. I remember how strengthening Scabs' blog was to me last year. I know she's still in the thick of things, but to see an addict progressing and getting better gave me a lot of hope. It seems most people blogging at the time were not experiencing this.
DeleteFrom someone just a little further down the path than you.
ReplyDeleteYou will be surprised at how quickly your forget the intensity of the pain. You will remember that it was intense, but you will soon find that when you talk to others currently dealing with pornography issues in their relationship, you don't "feel" their pain the way you once did. In that way, you almost are out of the club.
You will find life more beautiful than you ever imagined it could be and treasure your marriage like something that came back from the dead - because it did. You will never take what you have with him for granted - not for one minute. And it will mean everything to you.
You will meet women who weren't as fortunate as you. You will see the ladies who are now single and still dealing with the wounds from their ended marriage with an addict. Many of them have lost their sense of self. They see themselves as damaged and almost second class. You know that feeling. Even with your marriage staying in tact, you felt that way on occasion. You will know that it could have just as easily been you - that ultimately your husband could have chosen to continue on his path, or change directions, and that you are so extremely lucky to have the outcome you have. You will love those women more completely than anyone else does and help them regain their confidence in life. Those are the women you can cry with and remember - the ones who also have the memories of the hurt. Your memories are just as real.
You will still have fears, triggers and worries along the way. They may grow more distant, or fade in intensity. You may think you are long past it and then suddenly something changes that puts you back in a state of worry. But you will have come to know the healing power of the Atonement - that you can be free from all that heartache and pain that you once experienced. And knowing that you were healed once, makes it easier to know that come what may, Heavenly Father is always at your side.
Congratulations on this new phase!
This was absolutely beautiful. Thank you for your comment. I do feel like our relationship is beautiful compared to how it was last year, and I don't take it for granted. Enjoying it while I can.
DeleteI hope you will share your strength with those in the club. Hope and good are needed in the community!
ReplyDeleteTo me, the communities that exist in the world are recovery can and do only exist truly when people who have felt hope can help bring their stories around to that place for others to see. If "the club" is only defined by pain, it wouldn't be much of a club!
So yay that you are feeling hope and goodness. I hope you will keep sharing what has worked and why things are good.
Thanks! Although I think the pain of it is what creates the club in the first place. But yes--yay to feeling hope.
DeleteAs an addict myself, I find great hope when I hear of those who have come out the other side and are doing well. At first when I was reading many of these blogs, I started to get discouraged. It seemed like so many addicts did not improve, and so many marriages were ruined, or in a state of being ruined as a result.
ReplyDeleteI thought that my wife and I were heading that direction, until I had a major set back earlier this week. Now I'm looking for a new place to live.
Thank you for sharing your experiences. I think we all can gain a lot from your success. I wish you the best!
Yes, it is possible. Unfortunately is rests almost entirely on the addict. And more specifically on the humility of the addict. Taking the steps to communicate, not blame, and REALLY being willing to delve into what is causing the addiction from within. We wives desperately try to do what we can to help (and in the process often become overbearing) but in the end we can't do much about it. I truly wish you and your wife the best.
DeleteOnce a member, always a member. And we do need to hear stories when recovery happens! I'm glad you posted!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Marlee!
DeleteLol. I had fertility issues. Now I have 2 babies. You wouldn't believe how fast I got booted out if that club. And I won't lie, it hurt. I lost my badge of honor. No more " look at this hard thing i'm doing." And nobody with infertility wants to talk about it with someone with a baby.
ReplyDeleteBut. None of that applies to you. I'm glad it's finally going well for you! We need to have survivors, healthy perspective, and experience but mostly we need you. Because we love you. besides you love us too. :)
Yep. Survivor's guilt. I've heard that from multiple people who had gone through fertility issues. And, yes, you're right. I do love you guys. ;)
DeleteI am glad for you. I am honestly happy to read that everything is getting better for you. :)
ReplyDeleteThank you, Mecha!
DeleteI just "googled" scared after husband's affair and porn addiction. So thankful to have found this blog and a story of hope. Affair with co-worker was 7 years ago but he finally admitted after lying all these years. The rawness of the pain feels like someone is stabbing me in the gut. In addition, as we were on the road to healing, after being told time and time again that "I had nothing to worry about," I found evidence of a porn problem that was finally one he was willing to own. I am overwhelmed. I'm not sure what to believe. He wants help but is so busy with his job that he is already overwhelmed. He is leaving on Wednesday for a 3 day business trip and I feel paralyzed with insecurity and worry. (Business trips are when he says the porn viewing occurred)
ReplyDeleteI feel like this blog is a direct answer to prayer! Thank you! Love, a hurting friend
Anonymous - I am so so sorry you have been thrown into this "club." I would never wish this on you, but if you have to go through it, this is a good place to be. I went too many years trying to figure things out on my own. I can't identify with the affair (although other ladies on my blog roll can), but I can certainly identify with the years of being told I had nothing to worry about and finding out time and again that it wasn't true. It is too painful to even explain in words. I can tell you that (at least for my situation) the thought of his lying no longer affects me like it used to. I feel very healthy now. I went through a time last year when I wasn't sure he even liked me as a person. It was rough. Hang in there. It is not a fun journey. But connect with the women on here and I promise you will grow in ways you didn't know possible. We're here for you.
DeleteMAC! I love you, and I am so stinkin' happy things are going well. You know ... I've figured out that I don't have to be part of the 'club' to be involved in this fight. I was one of the first divorces, for crying out loud. Look at Jacy and me and others who are doing awesome but are still visible in this sphere.
ReplyDeleteIt really comes down to you, girlfriend. Some of us will always be here. But it's up to you whether you want to stay in the middle of things or move on. I'll support you and love you like crazy either way. ;)
If reading about junk makes you trigger (understandable) and you are done with this scene for now, don't sweat it. I took about a year break after I remarried, but now I'm back and filling a different niche. You'll figure it out. No stress. Just let your journey be organic and go with it. xoxoxo