What are your initial thoughts when I say that I'm doing really well, that my husband is doing really well, and that we're happier than we have been in a long time?
Do you think, "Oh! I'm so happy for Mac!"?
Or do you think, "Ugh. I don't want to hear about her doing well. My life is crap right now. Shut up."?
Be honest with yourself.
A year ago I would have probably leaned toward the former but with tiny voices in the background yelling the latter. If my situation had been really bad, I'd probably lean almost entirely toward the latter.
I know some of you are. Don't lie.
So the question is: does this mean I'm out of the club?
I was chatting with a friend the other day about this. If my husband is doing well and in recovery and I'm felling really mentally healthy, am I out of the club until lying creeps into our marriage again and I have another meltdown? Because it kind of seems that way.
Survivor's guilt. You know you've all felt it at some point or another.
But the truth is that I've been there. I've felt the pain. I've felt the hopelessness. I've longed for something better. I've felt sick over what he's looked at. I've had harsh thoughts towards women on the street with amazing bodies. I've been paranoid about internet use, browser history, his coworkers.
And it can all come back in an instant. That's what's scary.
Am I doing well because I'm a stronger person and am in a better place mentally? Or am I doing well because my husband is doing well and I'm unaware of how codependent I really am?
I'd say it's 60% stronger, 40% codependent. Maybe 70/30. Maybe. I'd love to say 90/10, but I can't know that until the next relapse. I'll be sure to keep you posted. ;)