I'm a wife dealing with her husband's addiction to pornography. I hope to be a resource for wives (and family members) dealing with similar struggles. Please join in the conversation and leave comments--even if you are here for curiosity's sake and are just learning about this kind of struggle! You can read my story here and the 4 things I think every addict's wife should know here.

Thursday, June 6, 2013

Son of a *%!#$ that was hard!

I'm back. It has been a while, hasn't it?

The early-morning scripture study class my husband and I were teaching this year ended last week. My thoughts? Son of a *%!#$ that was hard! It was good. Yes, it was good. I enjoyed studying the New Testament. I enjoyed the students. I enjoyed having a joint calling with my husband. But do you know what? That's about it. My testimony in our church actually weakened throughout the year. Yikes. That's not supposed to happen, right? Interestingly, my testimony of Christ and his teachings were strengthened and I loved that. But my annoyances with the culture and modern-day guidelines of my church also grew. That's an entire blog post in and of itself, but I probably won't write it since this blog isn't about that.

My husband got a job! After 3 years of under employment, he's back on the right track. Let me say this again: Son of a *%!#$ that was hard! His confidence took a serious blow during that time. My confidence in him crumbled. Crumbled, people. It consumed us. It shook our marriage. And now it's in the past (at least for now). We don't even know what to do with ourselves and all our free time in the evenings. The change in both our countenances was practically tangible the day he started his new job.

I think we've made it past the 8 year hate. Take unemployment crap, mix it with trust issues and pornography problems, add it to the 7-year itch, and you've got the 8-year hate. Once again, son of a *%!#$. Yes. That was hard.

And last, but not least, I think we're doing really well on the porn front. I'm in a really good place. He's in a really good place. (Disclaimer: he has lied to me plenty about this in the past, so I take this with a grain of salt. But my heart says he's doing well.) My reaction to the idea of or mention of porn now? It's ridiculous. The industry, the intent, the portrayal of women. All of it. But I don't feel sick inside at the thought of my husband looking at it. My views have evolved. It's the bigger picture that annoys me now. The actual boobs and vaginas are the least of my concerns. Took a long time to get here and I'm sure I have much farther to travel. (Can I mention that *%!#$ and &*^% and $#*% again?)

We may be in the eye of the storm. Who knows. But I'll take it. I'll sit here for a while. It's 11:15pm on a week night and I'm blogging? Do you know why? Because I don't have to get up at 5:30am.


  1. So glad you're feeling peace. I hope you can enjoy it for a while.

    I would actually love to hear about your increased testimony of Christ/decreased testimony of church/culture. I used to feel guilty about thinking negatively about church/culture, but I've come to think it's very important for spiritual growth to really separate the two.

    1. nonrandom - I'd be happy to post about it. This may be a weird place for that kind of post, but even if one or two people are interested then that's good enough for me. I worry that people are afraid to voice concerns in our church because the common response is that we obviously haven't prayed enough if we don't agree 100%. I'll post in a few days.

  2. Glad to hear things are going so well! And secretly, I'm happy that class is over :) Then you can post more! And you don't have to get up so freaking early... I would HATE that! Not a morning person. I'm happy for you!

    1. Hi lady! I miss you! So excited to see you next week. (And don't tell anyone, but I haven't missed seminary one bit. I guess I wasn't attached...)

  3. Hi there
    I was wondering if you are still blogging and talking about addiction.