What I've Learned: Part 4

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You need lots of confidence. If you don't have it, I'd suggest you get on this right away.

I know that's a strange thing to say: go find some confidence. But it's true. I'm convinced that a huge chunk of what has helped me get through this struggle has been my self confidence. Like I've said before, I was lucky in that my husband had this problem before I met him. I was able to deduce from that that this problem has nothing to do with me. He would have the problem if I were his wife or if someone else were his wife. And he'd have the problem if I left. I am not the cause of his problem. You are not the cause of your husband's problem.

Have you truly embraced this fact?

Your husband's addiction is not because of you. So don't let it tear down your confidence in yourself.

I'd like you to pull out a piece of paper right now. (Or your iPad. We're not that techy here.) Write down everything that makes you great. Really. Do it.

I want you to write everything from the fact that you are a daughter of God to the fact that you can burp on command. What do you like about yourself? What about you makes you smile?

It's easy for me to concentrate on the fact that I still have acne. Or the fact that my belly skin sags after having multiple kids. But I've also trained myself to be just as good at pointing out what I like about myself.

• I love to get up in front of a room and teach--I think I'm a natural. 
• I love the ridges in my fingernails--they remind me of my late grandma.
• I connect with people easily.
• I can run a marathon. (Never thought I could, but some friends got me into it. It's amazing what we're capable of when we work at it little by little.)

I don't look like a supermodel. I certainly don't look like a porn star. And I don't care. I rather like my tiny boobs. And I recently caught a glimpse of my profile in a picture--my nose isn't nearly as big and obnoxious as I always thought it was. In fact, it's just right for me. It's my nose.

For example, the other day my husband and I were playing this silly game with some friends. I had to answer the sentence: "My husband's ex girlfriends were all ______." And then he had to write what he thought I'd say. I wrote something like "young" since he didn't have many girlfriends between high school and dating me. He wrote "hot." I found myself saying, "What?? You think of your ex girlfriends as hot?" as if he found me unattractive. It took me a second to remember that it's not mutually exclusive. Just because he dated a cute girl in the past doesn't make me ugly. Where is the logic in that? Just because someone at his work may be a flirt doesn't mean I'm boring. Just because he has urges to look at porn doesn't mean he isn't attracted to me. That last one is hard for many people to accept.

Does that make sense? We assume these things are mutually exclusive. They are not. Don't put yourself down based on the looks/personality/actions of others! Stop comparing yourself.

Here's my point, ladies. It would not make a difference if we were the life of the party and looked like supermodels. Case in point: Tiger Woods went to rehab for his sex addiction after all the times he cheated on his wife--and she was a model. He had a problem.

So do your best to not let this knock you down. It's called self confidence for a reason: it has to come from you. No one can give you confidence. Look at that list you wrote. Add to it every day. Figure out what makes you amazing. If you're having trouble coming up with anything, you might want to find some quiet time and do a little praying. I'm sure Heavenly Father knows all the amazing things about you. Perhaps you just need some reminding.