I'm a wife dealing with her husband's addiction to pornography. I hope to be a resource for wives (and family members) dealing with similar struggles. Please join in the conversation and leave comments--even if you are here for curiosity's sake and are just learning about this kind of struggle! You can read my story here and the 4 things I think every addict's wife should know here.

Monday, January 7, 2013

at a stand still

I have been in such a foggy mood all week. I just can't stay happy. My husband's contract job ends in two months and I don't make nearly enough money to support us. I am finding myself becoming upset and stressed and resentful, all of which I knew full well would manifest themselves when this time came. I even warned my husband. My mood has had to do with so much more than just the job search, but that is just amplifying all my other struggles.

To sort out my feelings, I started to pour out all my ugly thoughts into my journal (something I only do a few times a year). I was writing and this sentence came out:

I am the one who makes things happen in my life,
 and now I'm at a stand still because I can't do this one.

I can't do this one because it's not mine to do. I cannot find a job for my husband. I cannot be an adult for him. I do everything I need to do to make my life work, so knowing that I am not capable of making my life what I want it to be is so incredibly hard for me. 

So I sit here at a stand still and wait.

I think we are all doing this. In so many different situations.

Waiting.

Waiting.

Posted by at 2:50 PM

4 comments:

  1. HXJanuary 7, 2013 at 5:08 PM

    THIS! Yes. I so have been here (and still am occasionally.) It's one thing to detach, and set boundaries and all that -- but when your life is so intricately enmeshed with someone, it's beyond frustrating when you can just step in and MAKE THINGS HAPPEN in their life. Job ones were a BIG one for us -- I remember losing it on more than one occasion, where I was like, "If you hadn't planned on stepping up and not putting your job at risk and not working hard enough to get promotions, could've you let me know before we had kids and I quit my awesome job with awesome benefits," as I secretly thought, "If we lose our home, I will divorce you. No question."
    I have learned patience, and I've learned to let things go, and I have learned to not live in worry or fear as much (all things I will need to relearn another dozen times or so, I'm sure), so the trials did some good, but SO COMPLETELY difficult in the midst of them. Hugs. You just keep doing what you need to, and God will take care of you. Always.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Buffalo GalJanuary 8, 2013 at 7:53 PM

    Amen! We're changing everything financially and are completly relying on Husband's income for the first time. It's terrifying, but I am looking forward to relying on him for anything. I'm tired for making everything happen.

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  3. UnknownJanuary 9, 2013 at 2:32 PM

    Times are tough and stressful. It's hard waiting! My husband runs out of work mid February, so we are in the same boat.

    Keep praying and trust in God.

    Hugs!

    ReplyDelete
  4. AngelJanuary 12, 2013 at 7:13 PM

    Mac. I love you. You are so amazing and so strong. I feel you.

    I'm not sure if it's the same thing as you're talking about, but I was thinking about when I was with my ex ... how I had so much to do. And how if I didn't get it done, there wasn't ever anyone there to pick up my slack. If I didn't do it, then--well--it just didn't get done. It's such a helpless feeling to give your all and realize sometimes that it's just not enough.

    Good things will happen for you. I know it. Hang in there, honey.

    Love,

    ~a

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